Contact: Paul Merrill
INT. WRITERS’ ROOM HALLWAY - MORNING
JENNA catches up with LIZ on the way into the office.
Liz! I need your help!
I told you last time, you can’t
borrow my urine.
No, silly! This is the fun kind of
help. Like giving old people baths!
Jenna hands Liz a brochure.
I want to host the S.F.P.F.D.A
telethon this year.
The Stop Famous People From Dying
Association? They stop famous
people from dying!
CLOSE-UP of brochure, featuring pictures of old celebrities.
As you know, Liz, I’ve been pretty
upset about all the recent celebri-
cides. When the guy who played Alf
died, it knocked me off the cover
of Westport Monthly!
They walk past FRANK, who is wearing a black trucker cap with
the words “R.I.P. ALF” on it.
(under her breath)
Oh, get over it.
INT. LIZ’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Liz walks over to her desk as Jenna follows her into the
office and shuts the door behind them.
So Phil suggested I take my
frustrations and turn them into
something positive. Or, as he put
it, a “frustositive”.
That’s not a word and who the hell
Phil Best? The new Director of
Marketing Outreach? Hello! He’s
only the most exciting thing to
happen to this network since
How can we have a new Director of
Marketing whatever when Jack’s put
a hold on all new hires?
TRACY appears out of thin air next to Jenna.
Phil’s the best principal we ever
Jeez, Tracy! How did you get in
here? The door’s closed!
Phil got me these ninja shoes for
my birthday! Shhh. . .
Tracy slinks out of the office.
That’s it. I’m going to talk to
Jack about this Phil person.
Liz storms out.
You go, girl! And be sure to
mention the S.F.P.F.D.A telethon
while you’re there!
INT. JACK’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
JACK hangs up his phone as Liz walks in.
Exciting news, Lemon. NBC just
purchased the exclusive rights to
the Filipino Basketball League.
I thought there was a hiring
Oh, I see! So you can hire Phil,
the marketing flunky, but I can’t
get a new bear for the show?
What’s wrong with the old one?
He’s being treated for seasonal
INT. DR. SPACEMAN’S OFFICE - DAY
A man in a cheap bear suit is lying down in what appears to
be a tanning bed in DR. SPACEMAN’S office.
INT. JACK’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
So what’s so special about this new
Marketing strategist overseer . .
. engineer . . . manager . . .
Phil Best is an important part of
G.E.’s global branding strategy. He
is a visionary in the field of
pharmaceutical marketing. Have you
heard of AreBeautical?
EXT. LUSH GREEN FIELD - DAY
Your typical, vague pharmaceutical commercial featuring women
running in fields, old people sitting on porches, and dogs
running on beaches. The word “AREBEAUTICAL” flashes across
the screen in flowery letters over and over again. Then we
hear the narrator say in a rushed voice:
If you suffer from high-blood
pressure, low-blood pressure or
normal blood pressure ask your
doctor before using Arebeautical.
In some cases, may cause dizziness,
dry mouth, constipation, loss of
hearing, loss of sight, hernia,
gout, spontaneous combustion,
hemorrhoids, bad breath,
amputations, death or loss of
INT. JACK’S OFFICE
What did that stuff actually do?
It may or may not have prevented
toe fungus. Thanks to Phil’s
brilliant marketing plan,
AreBeutical made eight billion
dollars, Lemon. Or, roughly eight
billion more dollars than any
(does “quote” thing with
“comedy” show has ever made for
So you went over budget to hire
Is this one of those “spend money
to make money” things that bald guy
on MSNBC talks about?
I’ve never heard of that network,
Lemon, but it just so happens I’m
spending money so that Phil can
make money. In fact, he’s already
put several revenue maximizing
scenarios into play, like
eliminating the staff at the NBC
You can’t get rid of the day care!
I was going to use that . . .
Don’t worry, Lemon. You can still
cling to your absurd motherhood
fantasies -- the day care isn’t
going anywhere. Unlike your
comrade, Barack Hussein Obama, I
don’t need the nanny-state
government to force me to do the
right thing. When people are in
need, I believe the private sector
should step in to assist. Which is
why I put one of our top men in
charge of the NBC day care center.
INT. DAY CARE - SAME TIME
We see KENNETH, sitting on a small chair, surrounded by
Okay children, who wants to learn
about pig husbandry?
INT. JACK’S OFFICE
Firing those twelve underachieving
child care providers saved us
nearly twenty-thousand dollars,
which I’m using to pay for the new
ice machine in the executive wash
I’d like to wash his room . . .
Well, why don’t you tell that to
Phil? He’s standing right next to
Tracy suddenly appears next to Liz.
The new ice is outstanding!
Gawd! Will you stop doing that!
I think he meant your other side.
Liz turns to see PHIL, the most handsome man she’s ever laid
Oh! Heh, heh. Hi . . . Phil.
INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - THE NEXT DAY
Liz watches from a distance as Phil talks to Tracy, who is
flanked by GRIZZ and DOT-COM.
Tracy, have you considered
broadening your audience?
No thanks, Dr. Phil. Last time I
did that, I had to wear an ankle
bracelet for six months.
Phil takes his iPhone out to show something to Tracy.
I’ve been doing some research on
your marketing group-think and long-
term global brand synergy.
Now you’re talking my language!
Phil shows a graph on his iPhone to Tracy.
Five years ago, you dominated the
key 18-24 demographics. Now,
however, as your fans grow older,
your numbers will start to shift to
an older, but still profitable
So we’re doing a “Granny Chasers”
Tracy takes Phil’s iPhone and looks at it up close.
Even better. What I’d like to do is
integrate some product supplements
into your wardrobe. Have you heard
of . . .
Tracy listens intently as he hands Phil’s iPhone to Dot-Com,
who pockets it. Jenna appears next to Liz.
Pretty hot, huh?
Gah! Does everyone have ninja shoes
You can’t keep your eyes off him,
Good grief, Jenna. He’s repulsive.
A corporate troll spreading his
marketing mumbo-jumbo like some
sort of brain-eating zombie virus.
Oh my God! It’s like I’m in a real
life rom-com! You’re the nerd who’s
in love with the jock, and I’m your
beautiful friend who teaches you
how to have sex!
Eww . . .
Don’t worry, your secret is safe
with me, “friend”!
Jenna walks off as Tracy approaches (wearing bulky white
“astronaut pants” which look suspiciously like diapers), with
Phil close behind.
So I can really use these instead
of the bathroom?
Hey Liz Lemon, guess who just
doubled his productivity?
Tracy and Phil walk by Liz.
It may look strange now, but in
twenty years we’ll all be wearing
Remind me to kill myself in 2030.
Done and done.
(looks back at Phil)
Dang, that new guy’s pretty hot!
Liz scowls at Frank. She notices a small yellow ribbon on his
Oh that. Jenna made me wear it.
It’s for the “Save the Old People”
But it’s yellow. Those are suppose
to be for supporting our troops.
Um, I don’t think so, Liz. Red,
white and blue ribbons are for
supporting the troops.
Yes, but so are the yellow ones.
Really? Man, those soldiers get all
the breaks. Anyway, this one’s
different. It’s got a little
picture of Andy Griffith on it.
CLOSE-UP of a yellow ribbon with a tiny picture of Andy
Griffith’s face on it.
Totally! And the chicks totally dig
it if you pretend to care about
something. Say, have you seen
Kenneth? I’m supposed to give him
this box of ribbons to hand out.
INT. DAY CARE - SAME TIME
Kenneth is overwhelmed by dozens of out of control toddlers.
Okay children, huddle around. It’s
The kids ignore him. Someone off-screen throws a Tonka truck
at his head.