TITLE: 11:30 A.M.
TITLE: On a Saturday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
Charlie and Mac are sitting at the bar flipping through a
Sharper Image catalog.
I need these!
What do you need 500x zoom
What do you mean? I could see all
the way to Pittsburgh with these
I don't think that's right.
You don't know that for sure.
How much are they?
He grabs the catalog and flips through the pages.
We can't afford one damn thing in
this entire catalog.
We're poor dude.
Why do you even have this?
I stole it from the doctor's
Why were you at the doctor's
That's where I get all my magazines
Dennis walks in.
We need money Dennis. We've hit
We're tired of being poor.
Well don't look at me, I'm not
giving you shit.
What about Frank?
Frank already lives with you, I
think that's enough.
Hey! I'm a good roommate! Some of
those bridge guys are definitely
worse than me.
That's your problem. Your
competition is a bunch of guys
hanging out underneath a bridge.
Frank barges in.
I need money! Oh, shit. I need some
money! Empty your wallets.
You too? You're all pathetic.
I got a little drunk with some of
the guys and we went to the track.
I made a few too many bets and I'm
down five thousand.
You know shit about horse racing,
why were you even there?
Dog racing. I would've lost more,
but one of the dogs died and they
had to stop the races.
Hey Charlie, why don't we make some
riot punch and hit the track? We
can win some money for all this
shit we need.
He pulls out some colored liquids.
That's a great idea!
You guys are morons. You think you
can just go to the track and come
away with money? You two know
nothing about winning.
What do you mean I know nothing
about winning? I was born a winner
and I'll die a winner.
You've never won shit! I guarantee
you I could go to the track and win
triple as much as you shit-brains.
No, I'm done with that shit. I need
to find money. Where's Deandra?
She's out doing some fundraising
Let's do this shit! Dogs! Dogs!
Dogs! Dogs! Dogs!
Title: "It's Always Sunny in Philiadelphia"
Title: "A Day at the Races"
EXT. SHOPPING MALL - LATER
Dee is holding a clipboard trying to recruit volunteers and
raise money for Women Against Animal Abuse (WAAA).
A man walks by.
Hey you! Yeah, you. You wanna
donate money to a great cause?
Why does it matter?
Because I want to know who I'm
giving my money to?
Why is one cause better than
Look lady, it's my money, I can do
what I want with it.
So why don't you want to donate it
to a good cause?
I don't even know what the cause
Frank approaches. He's eating pork rinds.
What's going on here Deandra?
What are you doing here Frank? I
don't need you. Are you going to
give me money or not?
He walks away.
Fine. Suit yourself, selfish
The guys told me you were doing
some charity work.
Since when do you give a shit about
I want to help. What are we raising
We? What's your angle here Frank?
No angle. It's getting to the point
in my life where I need to do stuff
for other people.
You are getting old.
Frank shrugs and eats some more pork rinds
I'm raising money for WAAA.
Women Against Animal Abuse. We're
like the hotter version of PETA,
much more selective in who we bring
in. We're trying to get rid of kill
That's great. You want some?
He offers some pork rinds.
No. That's disgusting.
So how much money you raking in?
She examines her box.
So far, 12 dollars.
What's your take?
There is no take. It's charity.
Well it seems like you're doing a
shitty job. What's 12 dollars gonna
It's a start.
You need to take this big time.
You're at the poor person mall.
A MALL PATRON overhears and looks at Frank.
If you're gonna stare, donate some
Dee looks around.
Maybe this isn't the best place.
Let me help you. You'll have
millions of those kill shelters.
Whatever you want.
INT. TRACK - NEXT DAY
Charlie and Mac are scouting the track.
There's a lot of shady people here.
Well, it is dog racing, not exactly
the classiest of places.
True. These are our people.
Don't say that! We're trying not to
be these people.
We are these people, but we're
trying to not be them, by being
Mac is confused.
Enough with the head games. We're
on a mission.
A drunk guy stumbles past.
I know shit about dog racing dude.
Let's watch a few races.
I'll meet you at the seats, I'm
gonna grab some food.
Grab me a pretzel.
I'm not getting you a pretzel. Then
you'll be thirsty and you'll steal
I want a pretzel.
I'm not getting you a pretzel.
You're getting a hotdog.
He walks away. Mac heads to the seats. He seats himself near
some sketchy people.
Someone sitting here?
Does it look like someone's sitting
Just trying to be courteous. Show
some class that you people know
The gun sounds, startling Mac.
Holy shit those dogs are fast.
He observes all the people cheering and yelling at the dogs.
This isn't fun. This is cruel.
Charlie returns with the food. He is eating a hot dog.
I'm not sure if the dogs are used
Mac stares at him while Charlie takes another bite and pulls
Dude this place isn't fun. These
dogs are being treated like shit.
The crowd starts cheering.
Holy shit, is Chief winning?
I put 10 bucks on him.
What were the odds? Where'd you get
10 dollars? The dogs don't have
Frank gives me like 50 bucks every
What is he your dad?
He grabs the ticket.
The odds say 6:1.
6 dollars, alright. We're on our
Not six you idiot, 60.
I won 60 bucks! I'm close to that
Enough with the god damn massager.
No gift on this planet will make
the waitress like you.
Don't say that!
What we're you saying about the
Forget it. Let's go place some more
They head off.
INT. BOOK STORE - SAME DAY
Dennis is reading about dog racing. He notices a pretty
employee, OLIVIA. He begins awkwardly flexing while reading
Excuse me miss.
Yes, can I help you?
I'm trying to get that book up
there, but I can't reach it.