Alan Rickman is my Father

Alan Rickman is my Father
By
Rob Huffman

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ALAN RICKMAN IS MY FATHER - PILOT EPISODE - SCENE 1
Scene opens with a moving shot of a high school, voice-overs
come in over the visual.
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
You've been at this school for
what...a month, and you're already
on the verge of being kicked out...
PAT FALCON
3 weeks sir...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
3 weeks...thanks Pat...
Pat gives a 'stoner-giggle'
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Well at least it's not crack
right...crack is wack
right?...*throws down a small bag
of weed*...well dope is a joke.
PAT FALCON
*laughs* That doesn't rhyme..that's
not nearly as mind-grabbingly
catchy enough for the youngsters...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
I'm talking to Nick...I'll get to
you later Pat...
PAT FALCON
Sir, the power of the herb is
gratifying!...it's an experience
only one who uses such a substance
can understand. This isn't a
chemically imbalanced substance
made in some Insane Clown Posse
fan's basement..it's a natural herb
sir...it's zen...it'll sure as hell
make your period less painful
Ms.Edwards...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Pat, get out of my office, I'll
deal with you in a minute!
PAT FALCON
*starts singing All The Things She
Said under his breath*
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
2.
NICK RICKMAN
Mr.Edwards, I really don't see what
the big deal is...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
The big deal is Mrs. Arsol caught
you with a bag of weed in the
cafeteria...
NICK RICKMAN
Mrs. Arse-Hole?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
MRS. AR-SOL!....Look, what you do
outside the walls of this
educational facility are none of my
business, and if you choose to use
marijuana or not is none of my
business but as long as you are at
school, this substance should not
be on or in your person....if your
average didn't surpass that of the
entire grade I'd kick you out of my
school.
NICK RICKMAN
*says sarcastically* That stuff
doesn't just smark my imagination
sir..*makes explosion noise and
effect with his hands*...sparks my
genius!
Pat pops in and goes "aaawww yeeaaaaahhh"
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
OUTSIDE PAT!! *Looking
disgusted*...I hate to have to do
this Nick, but I'm phoning your
father to deal with this...I know
you are 17 and can handle these
situations on your own, but as your
principle it's my responsibility to
let your parents know what is going
on at school.
NICK RICKMAN
Can't we just leave this between
us...I mean I don't know if you can
get a hold of him right now...he's
sort of busy.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
3.
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
*Looking through computer* I don't
seem to have a name for either of
your parents, just the contact
information. Let me fill this in
for you...what's your mothers name?
Principle begins filling out the information, while dialing
Nick's father...
NICK RICKMAN
Helen...Helen Rickman is my Mother
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
OK....and your father?
The phone begins ringing while Nick looks worried about
telling the identity of his father...the principle is still
filling out information, and holding the phone.
NICK RICKMAN
Alan...Alan Rickman is my Father
TITLE SCREEN PLAYS, INTO NEXT SCENE
Scene opens with Alan in his vehicle getting a call from
Principal Edwards.
ALAN RICKMAN
Hello?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Hello, Mr. Rickman?...Alan Rickman?
ALAN RICKMAN
Yes...who is this?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
This is your son's school calling,
I'm Principal Edwards...might I say
it's an honor to talk to you...
Cut to Alan as Principal is droning about how much of an
honor it is to talk to him. Alan looks bored.
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
...I'm a huge fan of your work, my
kids love Harry Potter, and I'm a
very big fan of your work in Galaxy
Quest and...
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
4.
ALAN RICKMAN
Did you say you enjoyed Galaxy
Quest?....
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Well Sir I...
ALAN RICKMAN
Why are you calling me?...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
...well Mr. Rickman one of our
teaches Mrs. Arsol caught your
son...
ALAN RICKMAN
Mrs. Arse-Hole?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
...no sir, Mrs.
Ar-SOL...anyways...Mrs. Arsol
caught your son Nick with a certain
substance in the cafeteria.
ALAN RICKMAN
Please don't tell me my son was
smoking crack in the high school
cafeteria..
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
No sir...just pot. She caught him
with a bag of marijuana...now I
don't know if this is a big deal to
you or not, but I figured I would
contact you and let you know.
ALAN RICKMAN
Well...Thank You...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Absolutely Mr. Rickman...now can I
ask you something?...in the Chamber
of Secrets when...*Alan hangs up*
ALAN RICKMAN
*looks frustrated*...Pot...it's
pot...*sighs*...
Car drives off, then the scene moves to Alan pulling up to
Nick's friend Pat Falcon's place. Alan pulls in listening to
'Shine On You Crazy Diamond' gets out of his car and walks
into the house, sees the front door opened, and walks in and
goes downstairs (to Pat's apartment...his brother lives
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
5.
upstairs...it's sort of a 'Walk-In- home). Alan walks down
the stairs and sees Pat sitting naked on the couch with a
bong in his lap.
ALAN RICKMAN
Pat...A man who sits 240 pounds of
nothing but Ramen noodles should
not be sitting naked!
PAT FALCON
*looks for of startled, but not
really* OH! Sorry Snape...
ALAN RICKMAN
Is there any...other...nickname
that you can refer to me by?...
PAT FALCON
Nope!...you can teach me how to
beat Voldemort and...
ALAN RICKMAN
Why are you naked Pat?...
PAT FALCON
Spiderman 2 is on....and I wanted
to get comfortable...
ALAN RICKMAN
...Spiderman 2?
PAT FALCON
...a movie with Tobey and James
Franco?...*makes gay rawr noise*.
ALAN RICKMAN
*stopped looking at Pat at this
point* Where's Nick?...
PAT FALCON
He just left...went home. He thinks
your gonna kill him...
ALAN RICKMAN
...I care less about the pot and
more that he had the nerve to bring
it to school.
PAT FALCON
...thought you were gonna cast a
death spell on him...
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
6.
ALAN RICKMAN
Stop it Pat...
PAT FALCON
Expelliamus...
Alan turns around and walks away.

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