Alan Rickman is my Father

Alan Rickman is my Father
By
Rob Huffman

---

ALAN RICKMAN IS MY FATHER - PILOT EPISODE - SCENE 1
Scene opens with a moving shot of a high school, voice-overs
come in over the visual.
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
You've been at this school for
what...a month, and you're already
on the verge of being kicked out...
PAT FALCON
3 weeks sir...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
3 weeks...thanks Pat...
Pat gives a 'stoner-giggle'
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Well at least it's not crack
right...crack is wack
right?...*throws down a small bag
of weed*...well dope is a joke.
PAT FALCON
*laughs* That doesn't rhyme..that's
not nearly as mind-grabbingly
catchy enough for the youngsters...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
I'm talking to Nick...I'll get to
you later Pat...
PAT FALCON
Sir, the power of the herb is
gratifying!...it's an experience
only one who uses such a substance
can understand. This isn't a
chemically imbalanced substance
made in some Insane Clown Posse
fan's basement..it's a natural herb
sir...it's zen...it'll sure as hell
make your period less painful
Ms.Edwards...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Pat, get out of my office, I'll
deal with you in a minute!
PAT FALCON
*starts singing All The Things She
Said under his breath*
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
2.
NICK RICKMAN
Mr.Edwards, I really don't see what
the big deal is...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
The big deal is Mrs. Arsol caught
you with a bag of weed in the
cafeteria...
NICK RICKMAN
Mrs. Arse-Hole?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
MRS. AR-SOL!....Look, what you do
outside the walls of this
educational facility are none of my
business, and if you choose to use
marijuana or not is none of my
business but as long as you are at
school, this substance should not
be on or in your person....if your
average didn't surpass that of the
entire grade I'd kick you out of my
school.
NICK RICKMAN
*says sarcastically* That stuff
doesn't just smark my imagination
sir..*makes explosion noise and
effect with his hands*...sparks my
genius!
Pat pops in and goes "aaawww yeeaaaaahhh"
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
OUTSIDE PAT!! *Looking
disgusted*...I hate to have to do
this Nick, but I'm phoning your
father to deal with this...I know
you are 17 and can handle these
situations on your own, but as your
principle it's my responsibility to
let your parents know what is going
on at school.
NICK RICKMAN
Can't we just leave this between
us...I mean I don't know if you can
get a hold of him right now...he's
sort of busy.
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
3.
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
*Looking through computer* I don't
seem to have a name for either of
your parents, just the contact
information. Let me fill this in
for you...what's your mothers name?
Principle begins filling out the information, while dialing
Nick's father...
NICK RICKMAN
Helen...Helen Rickman is my Mother
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
OK....and your father?
The phone begins ringing while Nick looks worried about
telling the identity of his father...the principle is still
filling out information, and holding the phone.
NICK RICKMAN
Alan...Alan Rickman is my Father
TITLE SCREEN PLAYS, INTO NEXT SCENE
Scene opens with Alan in his vehicle getting a call from
Principal Edwards.
ALAN RICKMAN
Hello?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Hello, Mr. Rickman?...Alan Rickman?
ALAN RICKMAN
Yes...who is this?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
This is your son's school calling,
I'm Principal Edwards...might I say
it's an honor to talk to you...
Cut to Alan as Principal is droning about how much of an
honor it is to talk to him. Alan looks bored.
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
...I'm a huge fan of your work, my
kids love Harry Potter, and I'm a
very big fan of your work in Galaxy
Quest and...
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
4.
ALAN RICKMAN
Did you say you enjoyed Galaxy
Quest?....
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Well Sir I...
ALAN RICKMAN
Why are you calling me?...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
...well Mr. Rickman one of our
teaches Mrs. Arsol caught your
son...
ALAN RICKMAN
Mrs. Arse-Hole?
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
...no sir, Mrs.
Ar-SOL...anyways...Mrs. Arsol
caught your son Nick with a certain
substance in the cafeteria.
ALAN RICKMAN
Please don't tell me my son was
smoking crack in the high school
cafeteria..
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
No sir...just pot. She caught him
with a bag of marijuana...now I
don't know if this is a big deal to
you or not, but I figured I would
contact you and let you know.
ALAN RICKMAN
Well...Thank You...
PRINCIPAL EDWARDS
Absolutely Mr. Rickman...now can I
ask you something?...in the Chamber
of Secrets when...*Alan hangs up*
ALAN RICKMAN
*looks frustrated*...Pot...it's
pot...*sighs*...
Time lapse occurs. (Camera starts in car and follows Alan
from the car to the house. All one shot). Alan pulls in
listening to 'Shine On You Crazy Diamond' gets out of his
car and walks into the house, sees the front door opened,
and walks in and goes downstairs (to Pat's apartment...his
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
5.
brother lives upstairs...it's sort of a 'Walk-In- home).
Alan walks down the stairs and sees Pat sitting naked on the
couch with a bong in his lap.
ALAN RICKMAN
Pat...A boy who sits 240 pounds of
nothing but Ramen noodles should
not be sitting naked!
PAT FALCON
*looks for of startled, but not
really* OH! Sorry Snape...
ALAN RICKMAN
Is there any...other...nickname
that you can refer to me by?...
PAT FALCON
Nope!...you can teach me the dark
arts, and potions, and how to beat
Voldemort and....
ALAN RICKMAN
Why are you naked Pat?...
PAT FALCON
Well I just got out of the shower,
flipped through the channels and
Spiderman 2 is on....and I wanted
to get comfortable...
ALAN RICKMAN
...Spiderman 2?
PAT FALCON
...ya man...Tobey McGuire...James
Franco...*makes gay rawr noise*.
ALAN RICKMAN
*stopped looking at Pat at this
point* Where's Nick?...
PAT FALCON
He just left...went home. He thinks
your gonna kill him...
ALAN RICKMAN
...I care less about the pot and
more that he had the nerve to bring
it to school.
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
6.
PAT FALCON
...thought you were gonna cast a
death spell on him...
ALAN RICKMAN
Stop it Pat...
PAT FALCON
Expelliamus...
Alan turns around and walks away.
Camera swings to the TV, covers the whole screen...cuts to
Spiderman 2 on in the kitchen of the Rickman house...you can
hear fighting in the distance.
HELEN RICKMAN
Pot Nick...really?
NICK RICKMAN
It's not that big of a deal mom...
HELEN RICKMAN
You got caught with an illegal
substance at school!...OF COURSE
ITS A BIG DEAL!
NICK RICKMAN
*starts walking away* Whatever
mom... *walks away*
HELEN RICKMAN
You don't smoke pot do you...?
BRITTNEY RICKMAN
There's many health benefits to
Marijuana Mom...the only reason you
feel compelled to scrutinize it is
because a farmer named William
Randolph Hearst ran a campaign in
the 1930s to taboo Hemp because it
was taking over his timbre
industry...and no...I don't smoke
pot, I just get the facts before I
make an argument...*walks away
frustrated*
HELEN RICKMAN
Is everyone high?....
Alan walks into the house and starts taking off his jacket
and getting situated in the kitchen.
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
7.
HELEN RICKMAN
Finally...the school called...
ALAN RICKMAN
I'm aware Helen...I'll deal with it
later. Did Martin call?
HELEN RICKMAN
Yes honey, he said that Joanne
wanted to know if you were
interested in taking part in a web
series for the books.
ALAN RICKMAN
I thought we were done with the
Wizardly World of Fans with Low
Self-Esteem...they want me to do a
bloody web series?
HELEN RICKMAN
I told him you'd call him back.
ALAN RICKMAN
I guess I will...*flops on the
couch*...I just want to relax.
HELEN RICKMAN
I know sweetie...maybe you SHOULD
take some time off...just relax for
a few months, were moved in
now...and the kids are finally
settled at school, sort of...so
maybe it's time.
ALAN RICKMAN
Maybe...*gives Helen a kiss*...I
think it's about time we spend some
time together as a family, maybe
well go back to Hammersmith soon
for a trip...bring the kids.
NICK RICKMAN
Can we stop in Amsterdam?
ALAN RICKMAN
(Alan gets up and walks to
Nick)
Young man, the nerve that you have
is going to get you into a lot of
trouble soon...now you know I don't
care about your use of marijuana
because I as a teenager smoked very
often so it would be entirely
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
8.
ALAN RICKMAN (cont'd)
hypocritical for me to expel you
from experimenting with an herbal
substance, but when you bring that
substance...which is still
illegal...to your school, you are
breaking the trust that I have
bestowed in you for these
circumstances...we moved you to
this school because you wanted
freedom, because you hated private
school...
NICK RICKMAN
I did...
ALAN RICKMAN
Then don't ruin the opportunity
that I have given you or you can go
right back to prep-boy academy,
smoking your pot with the seeds of
Ron Howard and MeatLoaf!
NICK RICKMAN
Sorry Dad...it won't happen again.
ALAN RICKMAN
I don't like getting upset with
you...I just want you to understand
what we gave for you
guys...*whispers to son*...and
maybe we can stop in Amsterdam...
NICK RICKMAN
*gives a stoner giggle and runs
away*
Shot ends with Alan looking happy at his son.
SCENE 2 - RICKMAN HOUSE
HELEN RICKMAN
Alan...I hope you remembered it's
your sons birthday soon...
ALAN RICKMAN
His birthday is in October
Helen...*walks over to the glass
door*...when I look outside I can
still see two bunnies having
intercourse...
(CONTINUED)

---

CONTINUED:
9.
HELEN RICKMAN
I know it's a few months away
Alan..but he wants those concert
tickets..and I have no idea how to
order them, so can you?
ALAN RICKMAN
I'll figure it out...this will be
his first concert won't it?...
HELEN RICKMAN
I think so...*thinks for a
minute*...Cyndi Lauper.
ALAN RICKMAN
What...
HELEN RICKMAN
Cyndi Lauper was my first concert.
ALAN RICKMAN
Were you Gay or on Acid?
HELEN RICKMAN
Shut up Alan...Acid...what was
yours?
ALAN RICKMAN
The Cavern Club...I was 15, me and
my father were in Liverpool
visiting my uncle...and he
suggested we go down to The Cavern
for a few drinks...it was the
coolest club in Liverpool at the
time. We walked in grabbed a seat
and there was a band on stage. We
sat for a few hours and the band
came off the stage and started
talking to some of the crowd. I got
a chance to talk with the drummer
and bought him a drink...it was a
terrific night.
HELEN RICKMAN
Who was the drummer?
ALAN RICKMAN
Some guy named Pete...doesn't
matter. Band was terrible.
Cathie walks into the kitchen.
(CONTINUED)

---