And They Have a Plan

And They Have a Plan

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ACT I
Scene 1
Pitch black. The stage is completely inscrutable
except for two spotlights which shine on MAN and
OTHER MAN. MAN is large, handsome, and assertive;
OTHER MAN is more simpering and weaselly. They are
conspiring.
MAN
So that’s the plan.
OTHER MAN
What’s the plan?
MAN
That. That series of statements I just made. That’s the
plan.
OTHER MAN
That is the plan?
MAN
That’s the plan.
OTHER MAN
That is a - and I don’t feel I’m out of line when I say
this here - that is the worst fucking plan I’ve ever
heard. And I’ve heard plenty. I’ve even planned some
plans of my own in my day.
MAN
Well, it’s the plan.
OTHER MAN
It’s a plan. Can we agree on that, at least?
MAN
It’s the plan.
OTHER MAN
It’s a the plan.
MAN
That’s not a sentence.
OTHER MAN
And your deranged little scheme isn’t a plan.
MAN
My? It’s not my plan. It’s just the plan.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
2.
OTHER MAN
No, this is your plan. This is certified mail, return
address "Your Plan, Youtown, USA", and I am not signing
off on it.
MAN
Is that part of the certified mail metaphor.
OTHER MAN
No, it’s its own... the point is, I don’t like your
plan. I don’t approve of your plan, and I will not
participate in your plan.
MAN
Except you will.
OTHER MAN
I will?
MAN
You will.
OTHER MAN
Why will I?
MAN
Because it’s not my plan. It’s the plan.
OTHER MAN
Not doin’ it. Not my plan, not my problem.
MAN
Well, hell, it’s still your problem. It’s our problem.
OTHER MAN
My problem is my problem. The plan is your plan to
solve your problem.
MAN
It’s the same problem.
OTHER MAN
Look, man, just because your problem happens to
intersect with my problem on the little Venn diagram of
problem... hood-
MAN
It’s our problem.
OTHER MAN
But it’s your plan.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
3.
MAN
It’s our plan.
OTHER MAN
But where am I in this plan? I have no planning input
here.
MAN
Alright. I know you.
OTHER MAN
You do.
MAN
And you know you.
OTHER MAN
I do.
MAN
So you and I both know you.
OTHER MAN
Q.E.D.
MAN
So you and I both know that if you planned it, it would
be your plan. I planned it so it would be our plan.
OTHER MAN
That is a truly reprehensible double standard.
MAN
It really isn’t.
OTHER MAN
It is a double standard.
MAN
That’s not the point.
OTHER MAN
What’s the point, then?
MAN
The point is the plan.
OTHER MAN
What’s the point of the plan?
MAN
Ah! So it is the plan.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
4.
OTHER MAN
...Tentatively.
MAN
The point of the plan is to solve our problem.
OTHER MAN
But how does this plan solve our problem?
MAN
I already explained how.
OTHER MAN
I don’t accept that explanation.
MAN
But the explanation isn’t the point.
OTHER MAN
It isn’t?
MAN
The point is the plan.
OTHER MAN
But what’s the point of the plan?
MAN
To make a decision.
OTHER MAN
Decision? What are we - what are you deciding?
MAN
Look, we’ve got a problem.
OTHER MAN
Yes.
MAN
And the way to solve that problem-
OTHER MAN
The plan.
MAN
- is to make a decision.
OTHER MAN
So there’s a choice.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
5.
MAN
The choice is the problem.
OTHER MAN
So the point of the plan is to make the decision that
will solve the problem of the choice.
MAN
No.
OTHER MAN
No?
MAN
No.
OTHER MAN
The choice is not the problem?
MAN
The choice is the problem, but the problem is not the
choice.
OTHER MAN
Then what’s the problem?
MAN
The problem is the problem.
OTHER MAN
And the choice-
MAN
- leads to the decision.
OTHER MAN
But the decision is the plan.
MAN
The decision is an element of the plan.
OTHER MAN
There are too many moving parts here.
MAN
Where?
OTHER MAN
In this metaphor.
MAN
It’s not a metaphor. A metaphor is the use of one word
to refer to another implied word by invoking a
similarity in characteristics.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
6.
OTHER MAN
So what’s this?
MAN
This is a friendly discussion.
OTHER MAN
You got some weird ideas of "friendly".
MAN
Look, it all comes down to choice. Okay? Choice is in
front of you, make a decision.
OTHER MAN
And the plan is which decision to make.
MAN
I’m not talking about the plan.
OTHER MAN
I think we need to talk about the plan.
MAN
We’ll get back to the plan when we get back to the
plan.
OTHER MAN
As long as we get back to the plan.
MAN
But I’m talking about choice here.
OTHER MAN
Everything’s a choice, though. Door number one or door
number two, the lady or the tiger, Coke or Pepsi, which
twin got the Toni?
MAN
That’s an old chestnut.
OTHER MAN
I don’t dust it off much.
MAN
But not every choice is a choice-choice. Choice is what
comes before great men do great things. They find a
problem, they see a choice, they make form a plan, they
make a decision, they go on to unfathomable success.
OTHER MAN
We’re not doing a great thing here. This is pretty far
the fuck removed from greatness.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
7.
MAN
Anything looks great if you squint hard enough.
OTHER MAN
So do we get back to the plan now?
MAN
If you need to.
OTHER MAN
When do we put the plan into action?
MAN
When we make the decision.
OTHER MAN
But you already made the decision.
MAN
Well, I’ve planned to make the decision.
OTHER MAN
The plan is a plan regarding the making of the
decision.
MAN
Yes.
OTHER MAN
So what’s the decision?
MAN
I can’t tell you.
OTHER MAN
What? You told me the plan!
MAN
I told you the plan, but I can’t tell you the decision.
Not until we put the plan into action.
OTHER MAN
So when do we put the plan into action?
MAN
Whenever you’re ready.
OTHER MAN
... Now?
MAN
What, now now?
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
8.
OTHER MAN
Now now. This moment.
MAN
You’re prepared for this?
OTHER MAN
I think so. I think the decision has to be made.
MAN
Then let’s make the decision.
Lights up to reveal the two men are sitting at a
table in a TGI Friday’s-type restaurant, next to
an exasperated waitress.
WAITRESS
DO YOU WANT. FRIES? OR. ONION RINGS?
OTHER MAN
Fries, I think.
The WAITRESS gives a long, glowering stare, then
stalks off.
OTHER MAN
(shouting after her)
Wait, no, onion rings, onion rings!
MAN
I don’t think she heard you.
OTHER MAN
Shit.
END.

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