ANGER AND VIOLENCE

ANGER AND VIOLENCE
Whenever you or a loved one has a problem with anger, the potential for violence always needs to be
addressed! Violence is not an expression of anger, but a strategy to maintain power in a relationship. Some
people feel entitled to power and maintain this belief through self-pity, denial, rationalization,
manipulation, and disregard for their partner’s feelings. Underneath this drive for power can be deep
feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and fears of abandonment. The potential for violence can be seen in people
who:
• Define manhood through competition, maintaining power, and devaluing women.
• Do not take responsibility and constantly blame others for their feelings and behavior.
• Defend against emotional pain with substance abuse, excitement, and anger.
• Are hypersensitive, rigid, and moody and expect partners to meet all their needs.
• Rationalize their need for control as necessary for others’ well-being and safety.
• Have a history of past violence.
RECOGNIZING THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE
Violent tactics are rarely seen early in a relationship. Initially, a person may be intensely romantic and
pressure his or her partner to make a commitment. Gradually, a cycle develops of tension building toward
abusive action followed by an expression of remorse or romance. Emotional and verbal abuse may appear
before actual violence. One out of 6 women reports that her partner hit her at some point in her marriage.
Because 70% to 80% of murdered women are killed by their husband, a family member, or close male
friend, it is very important to become aware of how violence can progress over the years:

Nonphysical Indicators
Violence—No Contact
Violent Contact
Extreme standards, blaming
Punching walls or doors
Pushing, shoving, grabbing, or
Intimidating looks, gestures
Throwing objects
twisting arms
Insults, name-calling
Destroying objects
Holding down, pinning against
Mind games
Breaking windows
a wall, or carrying against
Making all the decisions
Tearing clothes
one’s will
Controlling the money
Driving recklessly to scare
Slapping, spanking, or punching
Isolating from work, family,
Blocking exits or the car
Kicking, kneeing, or biting
friends, or school
Taking keys
Choking, banging head on floor,
Accusations of infidelity
Taking money or credit cards
or hair pulling
Questioning about activities,
Unplugging the phone
Forced sex
stalking, or checking up
Cruelty to animals or children
Inflicting pain or burning
Threatening divorce, taking the
Use of weapons
children, suicide, and
violence—“I’ll beat you.”
THERAPY FOR BATTERERS
Hidden feelings of powerlessness are often expressed in the need to control others. In group therapy,
people can recognize vulnerable feelings in others that they have hidden from themselves. It can take 18–
24 months to eradicate the misuse of power that feeds abuse. Management of violence can actually be
accomplished early in treatment, but control issues require lengthy intervention. Offenders need to:
• Admit that they alone are responsible for violence.
• Experience vulnerable feelings that underlie the need for power.
• Find acceptable channels for relieving pressure: sports or expressing insecurity.
• Recognize the cycle of violence and its triggers—“I can’t stand it when . . .”
• Learn to use steps to reduce anger danger: time-out, positive self-talk, and more.

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• Learn to mutually share power in a relationship and resolve conflict equitably.
• Rediscover initial interests and pleasure that attracted partners.
THERAPY FOR VICTIMS
To recognize and treat victims of battering, common misconceptions about domestic violence must be
challenged:
Domestic Violence
Fiction
Fact
1. Uneducated, poor, or minority people with
1. Violence occurs in all strata of society. The
few job skills are more likely to be battered.
poor are prosecuted more often.
2. Dependent, masochistic women may seek out
2. Mental health problems are the result of, not
violent partners.
the cause of, battering.
3. Many people do things (unintentionally) that
3. Violence is an individual character trait, not a
cause their partner to hit them.
relationship dysfunction.
4. Women return to abusive partners because
4. Family, friends, and clergy often urge women
they are unable to separate.
to make the relationship work.
5. People who have been battered will tend to
5. Most people who have been battered go on to
get into another violent relationship.
establish good relationships.
6. People who have been violent can change
6. People who batter will continue to have
with a different person or reduced stress.
violent relationships until they get help.
7. Violent people are uneducated, unsuccessful,
7. People with a variety of backgrounds, ac-
or lacking in conscience.
complishments, and values can be violent.
8. Once a person leaves a relationship, he or she
8. People are in greatest danger right after they
is safe from violence.
leave a violent relationship.
Statistics and other ideas come from Spouse Abuse by Michele Harway and Marsali Hansen (Professional Resource Exchange,
1994). See also Getting Free by Ginny Nicarthy (Seal Press Feminist Publications, 1997), Abused Men by Philip Cook (Prager,
1997), 800-799-SAFE, www.domestic-violence.org.
Therapy does not start by pushing people to end abusive relationships. Battered women make an average of
seven attempts to leave before doing so permanently. They return due to a lack of financial and emotional
support. Individual counseling is needed to create the safety for victims to:
• Recognize and admit that abuse is happening.
• Place blame entirely on the violent partner (unless both are abusive).
• Learn that symptoms of depression, disinterest, low self-esteem, indecisiveness, and anxiety are
reactions to battering rather than character flaws.
• Realize that they cannot “save” their partner. Recovery must happen in groups with other batterers who
can help offenders recognize abuse and take full responsibility.
• Develop a safety plan with an exit route, a strategically placed safety kit (clothing, medication, money,
keys), prearranged shelter, and knowledge of when to leave.
• Build a sense of personal power, support, and the ability to make decisions.

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