CALEB and the KOOLIOS defeat the EVIL BAD GUYS (by Caleb McGee, cmcgee230.blogspot.com)
One day, Caleb, our hero, was sitting in class. Because Caleb is a cool kid in his preppy high school he
has minimalist average grades and shows absolutely no prospects at all. He talks to all of his friends in
distorted one liners, and secretly carries an arsenal of fully functional firearms for no apparent reason.
Despite there being an array of automatic assault rifles, grenade launchers, smorgasbord of handguns,
and a vulcan minigun (plus ammo) no one notices his deadliness, or perhaps, no one minds and
everyone trusts him. He's tall, he's white, he's got short dark hair, and a bad attitude, man, watch out!
Today, this very special day, he's wearing a pair of slim, navy blue jeans, a hugging black t-shirt that
traces the curvature of his impressive muscles, brandless skater shoes, and a pair of mirror shades.
So there he was in class, letting the boring teacher dribble on and off, and the guy was about to pop in
yet another mindless movie and pass out a whole bunch of worksheets, when the PA system cracked
and the voice of the vice principle came over the air. Caleb was alerted, the V.P. sounded worried.
"G-good afternoon, students... this is... your vice principle speaking..."
"... we... uh... I'm not sure how to say this, but uhm, there's a bunch of no good terrorists in our school
holding us all for ransom. Yeah, their underlying motivation isn't a good one- in fact it's very bad,
selfish, and materialistic. They don't have any families depending on them either... so uh... don't make
them angry, because they literally have nothing to lose."
Caleb watched as shifting figures in black passed by the window on the door of his class, one of the
men stopped and gazed inside. Caleb saw his his eyes between the three-hole balaclava; they were
bloodshot, shifty, and held an evil fire. As the man turned away, Caleb caught the sight of the patch on
the arm of his olive drab canvas jacket- it was the patch of the EVIL BAD GUYS. Caleb had previous
knowledge of them, for his older brother fought them in his high school as well.
"... that is all. Oh." a gunshot pierced the sound of the PA system, eliciting a shriek or a jump from
everyone in the class (except from Caleb) "... I'm dead. Blegh." and Caleb's upper lip formed a snarl as
he heard the vice principle take his last breath over the intercom. The vice principle was a good man!
He had bailed Caleb out of stupid trouble he did not deserve a few times, he had brain cells, unlike a
great majority of the school's staff. They. Just. Made. It. Personal.
So Caleb sprang up into action with two handguns! A girl to his right yelled, "Please Caleb, you don't
have to be a hero! You might get hurt!" Caleb looked over, and his heart sank when he saw the pitiful
look on her pretty face. "I won't get hurt baby," Caleb reassured her, livening when he saw her
expression change from worry to reflect his own confidence, "because danger is my middle name. I
live on the edge... the RAZOR's edge!" The girl swooned, Caleb navigated through the maze of desks
and kicked open the door to the hallway.
He stumbled a little bit when he went through the door because he accidentally dropped the shotgun
hanging from his shoulder on a strap when it collided with the frame. He bent down to pick it up when
the two terrorists posted on either side of the door shot each other. He bent down just in the knick of
time! "Haha! Idiots!" roared Caleb triumphantly as each dead terrorist sank to the ground, two were
down and he didn't even fire a shot! When he straightened back up he noticed the whole hallway was
full of stinking terrorists, and they were all training their Slavic guns on him. "Uh oh." said our hero.
On the outside the police cruisers showed up, their blue and red lights shining in the rain. Then SWAT
teams showed up, taking the operation over. Then the FBI showed up, taking the operation over. Then
the CIA showed up, taking the operation over. Then Homeland Security showed up, taking the
operation over. Finally, the ATF showed up, and all the other enforcers backed off because they didn't
want to get shot by their own guys or accidentally lit on fire. In fact, the police, SWAT, FBI, CIA and
Department of Homeland Security scattered and drove to the nearest Italian joint, each man and woman
watching the televisions intensely as local news broadcasters covered the school from above.
Caleb ducked, dipped, and dove to the nearest piece of cover as the catastrophe of Kalashnikovs rang
out in the hallway, bullets zipping and whizzing by his head as he cursed and screamed incessantly. He
found sanctuary in a locker bank, tossing hand grenades liberally in all directions that weren't where he
was. When the enemy fire died down, he poked his head out to gaze at the hall, which was littered in
splayed out, gory bodies, some still clutching their rifles dearly. He had barely any time to admire his
destruction when it became apparent (a la gunshots) that there were still terrorists watching him! He
recoiled and moved about the locker row, desperately looking for some way out of his pickle.
"I can't be dealing with this!" Caleb yelled as bullets snapped near his exposed head again. When he
looked he saw that the terrorists were just as many as there were when he started blowing them up,
maybe even more, and they were advancing on him. Just then he hatched a brilliant idea! He made a
gurgling sound and laid down on his belly, handguns still clutched, then relaxed and played dead. He
heard the pajama-wearers enter his locker row, but dare not move to look at them. When one pressed
his dirty terroristical fingers to his neck for a pulse, Caleb snapped into action, grabbing the arm and
leaping upward, hugging the man to his chest with an arm wrapped around his neck while one hand
went up. He began popping caps, watching terrorists drop like flies, when he was suddenly struck in the
back of the head by a 2x4 board. He stumbled, gasped, dropped his guns, and everything went black.
"Sir." began an ATF employee, appearing in the door frame of the command vehicle. The commander
turned in his swivel chair, swallowing his mouthful of donut. "Wh-... WHUT?" the glutton demanded.
The employee handed him a professional looking manila folder, the glutton's hands went to tearing the
thing asunder to expose it's innards. Inside were a collection of black and white photos. "These are
shots of the auditorium from the security cameras. The terrorists have located all hostages into one
location-- and there, you see that on the stage?" The employee's finger indicated a large cylinder on the
platform. "That's a weapon of mass destruction." The glutton studied the photos, finishing his donut.
When Caleb came to, he had a SPLITTING headache, as if his mind was tearing itself in two. His
vision was fuzzy, and his body didn't seem to respond the way it should have- because he couldn't
move. At all. His eyes cracked open, blinded by the light, then darted around. He was in a dark, stone
place, very open and very large. He smelled sawdust, then recognized the glinting objects in front of
him. He was in the school's woodshop. He struggled against his bindings but to no avail, then relaxed
and gave up. A door opened behind him, and footsteps sounded off until a small man with stooping
shoulders and slim build appeared in front of him. "Aha!" exclaimed the man, finger playing with the
curl of his devious mustache. "It seems... I have captured you, Caleb!" Caleb narrowed his bloody eyes
and gazed deeply at the man's face, but he didn't recognize him. "Who are you!?" yelled our hero.
"I am... uh... THE LEADER! Of the EVIL BAD GUYS! HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED!"
exclaimed the man. Caleb waited patiently for him to finish. "... yeah. And I won. So. You're dead."
Caleb felt very sad then. "But! Coincidentally! I don't do any of the dirty work! I need a henchman!"
yelled the leader, and sure enough a terrorist walked in as the leader walked out. The terrorist picked up
a hand-saw and approached Caleb, placing the blade on his shoulder.
Just then, the most amazing thing happened! The windows shattered and four boys like Caleb (but not
Caleb) rappelled into the room. They had carbines, machine pistols, and shotguns, boy, they were really
letting them rip! The terrorist in front of Caleb suddenly underwent ballistic brain surgery and dropped
dead, while all the others in the room followed suit. When the four boys dropped on the ground, every
bad guy beat them to the cement. Two of them broke off towards Caleb, while the other two went about
securing the room. One of the boys approaching Caleb was tall and lanky, the other short and well
built. The short one handed the tall one a knife and they cut Caleb loose. "Who are you guys?"
"We're the Koolios." answered the short one suavely, picking up a rifle from a dead terrorist and
handing it off to Caleb (which he begrudgingly accepted, he would have preferred one of his old guns
rather than this lousy piece of slavshit). "We're here to help you liberate your school." continued the tall
one. "Baller." answered Caleb, racking the charging handle of the rifle. "Then let's go kill the leader!"
And so Caleb and the Koolios marched out of the woodshop, their guns held close, bullets rattling.
A Koolio kicked the door of the hall wide open, and the following group charged into a terrorist
occupied killing ground, filling the air with bullets. Each boy screamed bloody murder, one taking a
moment to establish a communications system just to blare Slipknot into their headsets as they engaged
in an orgy of spewing crimson, hot lead, dangling mutilation and contagious ending of life. One Koolio
got his hands on a grenade launcher and their enjoyment of violence multiplied ten fold. They cackled
maniacally as they split heads open and perforated their targets like oozing swiss cheese. They
occasionally checked into the windows of classrooms for hostages to save, but every class was empty.
Caleb got more and more worried the further they went.
So concerned was Caleb he snatched a to-be-executed terrorist from the certain death at the hands of a
Koolio. He grabbed the man by the collar and balled his hand into a fist, entering a threatening pose.
"WHERE ARE THE HOSTAGES!?" Screamed Caleb in his best impression of Christian Bale's
Batman. The terrorist shrunk in his hands, "I-In the auditorium!" he answered tentatively, at which
point Caleb released him and allowed him to leave unharmed. The Koolios snickered but agreed to
extend their mercy upon the fleeing man.
This terrorist ran for his life, the earliest signs of PTSD were already beginning to show as he navigated
the halls of the bullet-ridden school, having to pull some serious gymnastics to dodge all of the
collapsed bodies of the people who had once been his coworkers. He felt nothing stepping over their
severed limbs and excavated corpses, but their blood was unavoidable. His feet were sticky and
dripping as he finally reached the exit door. He resolved to become a man of God, to spread faith and
goodwill and never touch a firearm ever again unless the lives of his future family depended on it. As
he opened the doors to the outside, he took a breath of the fresh air and was ready to become a new
man when an ATF enforcer jumped and pumped him full of lead.
Caleb and the Koolios found the auditorium doors. Caleb took a quick peek inside and told the
grenadier Koolio to lay his launcher down. Then he took them aside and explained his plan...
Caleb and the Koolios clapped hands and broke their huddle. Caleb dropped all of his guns and opened
an auditorium door as two Koolios went about breaking into another door. Caleb entered the
auditorium, which was filled with frightened boys and girls, as well as teachers and staff members. He
calmly approached the front of the stage, where the leader of the Evil Bad Guys stood with his hands
behind his back, the last of his men were posted around the room, each pointing their gun at Caleb.
"Evil Bad Guys leader!" started Caleb.
"Mhm-yessss?" answered the leader.
"I come to you with a proposal." says Caleb.
"And what is it?" the leader twirled his curly mustache with a finger.
"I give you a lot of money and you leave." set Caleb.
"Mhm... and how much money?" inquired the leader.
"A trillion dollars." said Caleb stalwartly.
"A trill-- you think I'm an idiot!?" refuted the leader.
"No." reassured Caleb.
"Hm.. your coolness tells me you really believe in your words." observed the leader.
"Yes." concurred Caleb.
"Okay." the Leader stepped forward and extended a hand towards Caleb.
"Yup." and Caleb connected hands with the Leader, yanking him off stage.
The leader stumbled and fell off the stage, every terrorist in the room retrained their weapons on Caleb
when suddenly the sounds of four guns went off, two Koolios had positioned themselves in the
windows at the front of the auditorium, while the other two had went to adjacent doors. In a matter of a
few seconds every last terrorist was dead, except for the leader, who Caleb held to the ground. "Get
out of here!" yelled Caleb to all the hostages, who, stuck in a state of disbelief, stared at him.
Then one girl in the crowd stood up. "I love you Caleb!" she screamed, awkwardly navigating through
the aisles of packed people to move down the ramp then throw her arms around him, kissing him
gratefully. "Ohhh it was nothing.." played Caleb coquettishly, returning a few pecks while the leader
squirmed beneath. The girl made a "call me" gesture and lead all the hostages out of the building.
Because the leading person of the crowd was a white girl, the ATF didn't shoot first and ask questions
later, no hostage was harmed on the way out.
"Now.. that leaves us... with what do we do with you..." Caleb tightened his grip on the leader as the
Koolios appeared on all sides, surrounding them in front of the stage. One Koolio looked at the others
and mumbled "I need to piss." and went off. The leader spit at Caleb, "You are too late! The bomb on
the stage there is already activated, you have a minute before it blows and you're all dead! It also goes
off if I die prematurely!" Caleb looked up and saw what appeared to be a large warhead sitting on the
wooden stage, ominously, like a monolith slate. Caleb shook his head in disbelief and dug his
fingernails into the leader's arms. "You son of a bitch!"
The Koolios patted Caleb on the back, "Caleb, you've done enough for today. Let us handle this." So
they grabbed the leader's arms and pinned him. Caleb stood up and gave them all departing bro-fists,
then turned and ran out as fast as he could. When the Koolios knew Caleb was nowhere near the blast
radius, they pulled a pistol and shot the leader in the head. The bomb went off as the leader had said,
and the three Koolios in front of the stage died in a fiery explosion. The one Koolio that was on a
bathroom break came back to find he was the last lonely Koolio. All that was left was him and his gun.
He was so sad he shot himself.
Caleb went home a hero and called that girl.