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down to earth.

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just read and enjoy. im 15. i want to be a comedy writer. this is my first ever pilot for a series which I believe has potential.
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  • Added: May, 05th 2012
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  • File size: 271.72kb
  • Pages: 33
  • Tags: comedy, dave, karen, john down to earth
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Content Preview
script
paul & john are sitting at the bar, a couple of seats away from eachother.
watching west ham...
west ham score...
SCENE 1
Paul: fucking yes, come on cole! you can have as many affairs as you want,but if
you contribute on getting us promoted i dont care
going absolutely mental
John: yes, yes, come on yes!
going mental too
Paul: you west ham mate?
downing a pint
John: yeah, been a season ticket holder since i was a baby
laugh to himself
Paul: where abouts you sit?
John: im by the away fans
Paul: cor, what are the odds aye, can barely find any english out here, full of filthy
continentals and i find someone whos from england, whos supports a team from
london, and sits in the same bit as me. WOW.
looks around in compelte disbelief
John: yep thats pretty extraordinary
Paul: certainly is
John: want a pint mate?
Paul: yeah, go on then if its alright
John: well you can have one when this fat german munter moves out the way,
because she pushed in
German Lady: are you talking about me?
she has a very bad accent

John: well theres no other fat german munters within the radius of my eyesight, so
its quite possible.
very angry
paul is laughing to himself quietly
German Lady: walks in disbelief
John: can i have two pints mate please.
talking to the barman, and gets the pints,
sits back down
gives john his pint
Paul: cheers
John: so what do you do?
Paul: i work for a law firm , decent money and enough to do what i want and live!
wat do you do?
John: hairdresser mate.
Paul: ah, decent money?
John: okay money, its more than enough, and not to little
Paul: long as you enjoy life, as the chavs say ' yolo'
Dave: slaps paul round the face
you alright you fat bastard, getting wankered are we? you werent billy big bollocks
last night were you?!?! throwing up after the suicide shots haha!
Paul: yeah alright dad...well john this is my mum who happens to be a genuine lady,
and my dad who happens to be a complete twat
John: alright, nice to meet you!
Dave: alright john! & paul you shit yourself a few weeks ago, need i say more?
pauls very embarassed
Karen: hi john, dave we promised to not bring that up, he was ill bless him!
Dave: aw, is little pauly wauly getting all embarassed in front of his fwend, cos he
pooped himself at the age of 21!
Paul: No, not at all.

Dave: dont worry mate, whats the score son?
Paul: i know your getting on, but surely your eyesight isnt that bad that it prevents
you from looking up a bit
Dave: alright mr specsavers, should beat these comfortably anyway
Karen: do you still watch and spunk money on this shit?
Dave: i think youll find its a better way of socialising than going on a girls night to
mecca!
Karen: how many times dave? dont slag bingo off. nice meeting you john.
storms out of the bar infuriatedly
dave goes to the toilet.

watching game, no dialogue going on. just focusing and showing there passion for
the team (dave,john & paul)
the game finally ends
Dave: we better make a move now mush, you wanna walk with us back to the hotel
john?
John: yeah,alright
Paul: thets go
drinks rest of point
they all walk back
SCENE 2
paul is sitting on the bed, posing at the camera that is placed on the side. doing all
ridicule poses.
Paul: fuck sake, get out. get out. get the fuck out.
Maid: steps out of the room very quick
walks into karen and daves room
Maid: excuse me? your son, not very good model, i walked in, he sitting in front of
camera, no clothes on, i go now, bye
Karen&Dave: bye

burst out laughing
Dave: ive always known the boys a queer, just needs to confess and come out the
closet
Karen: we aint brought up a queer dave, if anyones a queer its the one whos at
home


Karen: what should we get for anne & terry for christmas?
Dave: nothing their a bunch of knobs
Karen: rolling her eyes
oh david, stop being so arrogant! you dislike everyone!
Dave: well their the people that send us a 5 next voucher for christmas every year
when we actually put some effort in
Karen: its the thought that counts
Dave: im sick of that saying, so your telling me if i got them the same blouse that
annes mum wore regularly before she passed away, shed say '' it dont matter that
your taking the piss out of my mums death, a lot of thought went into that present!
Karen: you always take it to far dave! her mum had a hugely traumatic battle
Dave: i had a hugely traumatic battle aswell, difference being mine was on the toilet,
hern was attached to a drip in a hospital bed
Karen: you really can be one sick bastard at times
Dave: its not sick, its the truth aint it? another thick thing i despise in the modern
sociey, just because i say the truth it offends people, well excuse me? just because
your offended doesnt necessarily mean your right
Karen: sometimes i think if we met now, we would never get along.
puts after sun on harder & quicker

Dave: i said put the after sun on softly karen!
Karen: well you complain if i dont do it fast enough, then you complain when i do it
fast enough and ''hurt' you you big botbelly baby.

Dave: im gonna give you one more chance, otherwise im getting paul to do it.
Karen: get paul to do it then
is so angry, throws the aftersun and hits dave on the head. to add to her anger,
when she steps outside the bedroom she slips on the lilo and falls. dave laughs.
Karen: im going to the club
slams the door in a strop
dave walks into pauls room
Dave: blimey, your mothers a miserable ole' cow today
Paul: i think its to do with that incident with the waitress at breakfast
Dave: no need for her to act like this though, its our last night; we want it to be a
good one!
Paul: fair play, i cant wait to get home now to be honest, absolutely cream
crackered!
Dave: yep, same mate, anyway slap some of this shit on me back please
gives him aftersun
paul puts it on, and there both silent
Paul: that johns a proper decent lad, although weve only spoke once, would like to
get some contact details off of him,
Dave:*coughs* gay *coughs*
Paul: nope hes got a chick. but i would want to talk to him a bit more he seems your
ideal lad
Dave: well talk to him tonight, it's our last day
Paul: yeah i will do, not been one of our best holidays has it?!
Dave: has been okay, but yeah your right, not one of the best
Paul: cant wait to get home though, miss the normal luxurys of shitting with toilet
paper thicker than tracing paper, being walked in on 24/7.
Dave: you got mugged of big time, posing like a bellend
Paul: wait? what? how do you know thats what i was doing when she walked in?
Dave: she come in and told us

Paul: fucking hell, stupid bitch she already come in when she werent meant to, now
she feels the need to tell everyone what happened, will walk out this room and have
paperazzi and all that waiting for me
Dave: your such an exaggerator paul,

Scene 3
john goes up to the bar to get a drink, and sees paul up there
John: fancy seeing you here
Paul: yeah i know, im gonna get proper pissed tonight; last night for me
John: ah im going home tomorrow aswell, so i guess ill join you on getting pissed, i
need to get pissed and forget that this holiday even happened
Paul: why? has it been that bad?
John: my parents are vile creatures
Paul: ah why?
John: not really, just sick of them. come away to try and build our relationship, and
they both just dont bother. not gonna talk to them no more, they're assholes, they are
just horrible
Paul: dont know what to say, apart from if you genuinelly mean that, and they are
horrible maybe they are not worth getting stressed over and putting effort in
John: but there still my parents aint they?
Paul: yeah but if they are horrible and you mean it then regardless whether they are
your cousins brothers nan, dont treat them with respect if you dont get it in return
John: ah, thanks mate, thanks a lot. to add to their bitterness, they fucked up my
relationship
Paul: thats an unforgivable offense in my opinion!
John: it took a lot for me to be able to forgive them in the end
Paul: well fair play to you doing that, anyway you dont wanna be depressed on your
last night do ya, so come over with me ole man and the mum and have a bit of a
laugh!
John: yeh, you know what; fuck it! i will
Paul: do you live with them? or have you got your own place

John: i live with them, but theyv been threatening to chuck me on the streets
Paul: surely they wouldnt do that?!
John: wouldnt? they have done. i had to go live with another member of my family,
but now unfortunately hes moved up north so that wont be happening if they do
again, and the thing is, i dont get why they even kick me out, its only cause' they
treat me like shit so i return the favour
Paul: i dont know what to say, anyway forget about them. my mum and dad are nice
people, come over and sit with us for the night.

walks over to karen and dave
Paul: mum,dad, this is john who we met earlier in the bar
Dave and karen : alright mate
John: yeh im fine thanks,apart from my parents being twats
Dave: i know how you feel,myne used to piss me of all the time
John: its a bit different in this situation, they dont piss me off, just as people, their
complete fuckwits
Dave: ah, well just stay out of their way for the time being and enjoy the rest of your
holiday, when do you go home?

John: tomorrow
Dave: oh same as us, your probably on the same flight as us
John: yeah probably
Dave: whered you live?
John: about 25 minutes from birmingham
Dave: dont sound like you have much of an accent
John: what accent?
Dave: a birmingham one...
John: oh im not from birmingham
Dave: yeah but you should still have a bit of an accent as your pretty local

John: im near west ham a bit
Dave: birmingham is nowhere near west ham mate
laughs to himself
John: oh god, im thinking of 20 minutes away from barking i think
Dave: yeah i think you are
everyone laughs and downs a shot
dave & karen go and dance
John: thanks for letting me come and sit with you mate. dont mean to come across
rude
Paul: dont worry about it id end up pulling my hair out if i sat with my parents for the
rest of the night
John: yeah i suppose, but seriously, means a lot.
Paul: its alright,seriously you wanna try and get the waiter in the pool later, will be a
right laugh
John: why not, its our last night!
Paul: want a drink?
John: yeah go on then if thats alright, get some shots, ill get the next round.
paul goes and gets a drink
there is a couple giving john a dirty look
John: excuse me you pair of cretins, is there anything in particular your looking at?
the couple(bloke)(american): is there any reason in particular why your being a
rude crumpet eating douche
John: feed me all the insults you want, but were that country that ruled the world
before you!
the couple: get up of their table and go and move
paul walks back with the drinks
Paul: what happened there?
John: the yanks were giving me dirty looks, and im not letting them do that. so i
confronted them.

Paul: fair play to ya, by the way my dad is gradually getting more pissed by the
second, so if he starts calling you phllip, he calls everyone it when hes drunk
dave is attempting to challenge a black street dancer to a dance off and is dancing
up to girls
karen walks back to the table
karen: your dads doing my nut in, thinks he's ashley banjo, and thinks he can pull
any girl he wants, night son. and night john see you tomorrow if your on our plane
John: night
Paul: night night mum
John: your mum seems lovely mate
Paul: yeah, shes got a heart of gold, would do anything for you but she can drive me
up the wall though
John: be grateful you havent got the parents iv got
Paul: they aint that bad are they, surely??!?!?
John: yep
Paul: ohwell! so have you had a good holiday?
John: yeah its been alright, its so boring with my parents though as they dont really
have a personality and intend on reading and listening to old shit like elvis whilst im
there on my own,
Paul: ah well my family do have a personality , dad has a temper, and has his
' ways'' , and my mum has a temper, and you will see the nice side of her, but when
you live with her she gets on your tits,she cant tolerate getting pranked on aswell but
its a laugh though as iv got a brother and we play pranks on my mum and dad. if
you come round, i could guarantee youd be in tears within the first hour
John: sounds like an exciting household unlike mine, countdown is our version of
having a laugh
Paul: doesnt sound like you have much going for you in your life does it, do you
have anything that makes you happy?
John: ive got a beautiful girlfriend who i love and admire
Paul: aw thats cute, at least you have something thats good, going west ham must
give you a buzz aswell?

John: yeah, but i go on my own, i know the people around me because iv been
going over there for years
Paul: my dads giving up this season move your one to next me?
John: how comes?
Paul: hes lost intrest in it,but i dont see how thats possible
John: i totally agree!
Paul: talking of the moron, hes still dancing!
daves still dancing with everyone
Paul: anyway, do you wanna go push that barman into the pool?
John: yeah how else we gonna spend our last night


start walking over to the barman near the pool
Paul: just gonna dip me feet in the pool if thats alright mate
Barman: its not ok,you are not aloud in there at night!
Paul: its our last night though
Barman: last night, first night the rules dont change buddy
john walks around the back of the barman, and sits down behind him
Paul: im gonna ask you once more, am i aloud to dip my feet in the pool?
Barman: no your fucking not
paul pushes barman and falls over john and into the pool
john and paul then dive into the paul, and everyone else does
dave, john, paul walk back to their hotel rooms
daves drunk
Paul: dont think mums to impressed with your act earlier
Dave: im on holiday mate, i can do what i want!! infact, what was i even doing? ive
forgot
John: you thought you was a top english body popper, and was dancing up to girls,
the glory days have gone now dave, your married and settled down you shouldnt
look at anyone else

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