Khushwant singh’s joke book 5

Khushwant Singh, humourist, raconteur, editor, short-story writer, novelist, commentator, has earned a new accolade — "the master spinner of jokes." He has been clubbed together with Birbal, Tenali Raman and Gopal Bhore as one of India's all time great humourists. His ability to make Indians laugh at themselves, and at their own foibles, has earned him a readership and fan following that is unparalleled. As India's best known journalist and syndicated columnist, he is admired and lambasted in equal measure because of his often irreverent and controversial views. However, even his staunchest critics agree that he is eminently readable. Born in 1915, Khushwant Singh received his education in Lahore, Delhi and London. After a brief law practice at Lahore High Court and a stint with the Ministry of External Affairs, he shot to literary fame with his award-winning novel Train to Pakistan and the two-volumed History of the Sikhs. He distinguished himself as editor of The Illustrated Weekly of India (1969-1979), and The Hindustan Times (1980-1983). Master craftsman of his art, Khushwant Singh lives in Delhi and continues to "hold a mirror to our face ... frank, but not venomous, fearless but not intimidating.'' CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR Santa was flying to Chandigarh from Pune. He was allotted a middle seat but decided to take the window seat instead, which had been allotted to an old lady. The lady requested Santa to exchange the seats and let her sit on the seat allotted to her. He refused, saying, 'I want to see the view from the window.' The old lady complained to the air hostess who requested Santa to sit on his allotted middle seat. Santa was adamant and bluntly refused. The air hostess went up to the co-pilot. He too came and requested Santa, but in vain. Finally, the captain of the aircraft came. He whispered something in Santa's ears. Santa immediately vacated the window seat and took the middle seat. Astonished, the air hostess and the co-pilot asked the captain what he had said to Santa. The captain replied: 'Nothing, I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others were going to Jalandhar.' Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, New Delhi 9 B R I G H T IDEA RIDDLE Just married, Sukhwant had bad news for her husband Santa and Banta met on a village road. Santa was carrying when he returned home from his day's work. 'I feel so a large gunny bag over his shoulder. sorry,' Sukhwant said with a sob, 'I was pressing your best 'Oye, Santa,' hailed Banta, 'what is in the bag?' suit and burnt a hole in the seat of the trousers.' 'Murgiyan — Chickens,' came the reply. 'Don't worry, darling,' said the husband amorously, 'I 'If I guess how many, can I have one?' asked Banta have another pair of trousers to match that suit.' 'You can have both of them.' 'Yes, I know,' Sukhwant replied. 'You're lucky that 'OK,' said Banta, 'five.' you have. Thanks to that, I was able to patch up the hole!' Contributed by Jyotica Sikand, New Delhi Contributed by Shashank Shekhar, New Mumbai INDIA — THE NEW MILLENNIUM G R E E D UNLIMITED Cheer up my son, buck up my boy, Lala Garib Chand was a wealthy zamindar. He asked his You are living in 'The Land of Joy'. You go to maneem (accountant) to add up all he owned and how school where they do not teach, long it could last. The muneem added up all his assets and In the House of God, they hatred preach. If you assured him that it would certainly hold out till the have merit, you will sigh and sob, traditional saat pusht — seven generations. Far from If you are backward, you might get a job. Out of being relieved Lala Garib Chand looked more caste, if you dare to wed, disconsolate than before and with a great sigh of sorrow Your kith and kin will chop your head. If you are exclaimed, Hai! Hamaaree aathveen pusht ka kya hogaV honest, in north or in south, (Oh! What will happen to our eighth generation?) You will live from hand to mouth. If you Contributed by UK. Malhotra, New Delhi are wily and your means sinister, You are likely to become a chief minister. But remember the new maxim, my lad, Defection is good, conversion is bad. Contributed by G.C. Bhandari, Meerut HAND BAGGAGE LIKE MOTHER, Uijaagar boarded a crowded bus with a bagful of LIKE DAUGHTER purchases. There was no vacant seat. As the old bus While being interviewed an actress was asked whether rattled and swayed, he supported himself precariously, she intended to get married in the near future. holding the bag in one hand, the other hand holding the The lady replied, 'Never, I will follow in the bar provided near the ceiling. footsteps of my mother. Like her, I will remain single.' 'Ticket ... ticket ... ticket,' the conductor made several Contributed by J.P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal rounds past Ujaagar. His wallet in his hip pocket and both hands engaged, Ujaagar didn't know what to do. 'Ticket, Sardarji,' the conductor asked again. Ujaagar thrust the bag into the conductor's hand and struggled to LABOUR WOES take the wallet out, when the conductor protested: T can't The Indian and Cuban labour be carrying passengers' baggage like this — I'm the ministers were in the midst of a meeting.conductor, after all!' Cuban labour minister: 'Labour problems in our nation 'Okay, then give me the bag, and here, will you please produce hundreds of types of tensions for me.' hold the bar,' replied Ujaagar. Indian labour minister: 'That's nothing. Labour Contributed by S.A. Baseer, Hyderabad problems in our nation produce 50,000 babies every day.' NEW INVENTION WHAT A CHEAP ...! ■Santa said to Santa, T have invented a new kind of Banta went to a cheap restaurant to have dinner. He ran computer which behaves like a human being.' into his friend Ram Lai who was working there as a 'In what way?' asked Santa. waiter. 'Whenever it makes a mistake,' replied Banta, 'it 'Ram Lai, aren't you ashamed of working in this third-blames other computers.' class restaurant?' he asked. Contributed by J.P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal T may work in a third-class restaurant,' replied Ram Lai, 'but I don't eat in one like you.' Contributed by J.P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal CATCH THEM ...! An Englishman, an American, and a Sardarji were called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman said, T think I can empty 20 bottles of beer.' BUZZZZZ went the lie detector. 'OK,' he said, '10 bottles.' And the machine was silent. , . The American said, 'I think I can eat 15 hamburgers.' BUZZZZZ went the lie detector. 'Alright, 8 hamburgers.' And the machine was silent. The Sardarji said, ‘I think ...' BUZZZZZ went the machine! Contributed by Hardip Kaur Sandhu, Denmark SMART MOVE Rakesh: 'Broken off your engagement to Meena?' Mahesh: 'She would not have me.' Rakesh: 'You should have told her about your rich uncle in Bombay.' Mahesh: T did. She is my aunt now.' Contributed by Kesava Prasad, Tamilnadu BETTING B L U E S ONE FOR IMAMDIN 5anta saw that his friend Ram Lai was very depressed. Subedar Lehna Singh and Subedar Imamdin were in the 'What happened?' asked Santa. same regiment in the British Indian Army. They were 'Yaar, I lost Rs 800 in a bet yesterday.' inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking 'How come?' together. The partition separated them as Subedar 'Well, yesterday, the one day match between India and Imamdin was absorbed in the Pakistan Army. England was being shown live on TV I bet Rs 500 that To keep his friend's memory alive Subedar Lehna India would win, but I lost the bet.' Singh always filled two glasses with rum and water and 'But that's only Rs 500, where did the rest go?' sipped from each alternately! 'Yaar, I bet on the highlights too!' When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: 'This glass is Imamdin's; this one is mine. So I Contributed by Ainit Kachnt, Washington DC take a sip from each — one on behalf of Imamdin, the other for myself.' Suddenly one evening Subedar Lehna Singh was seen COVERING YOUR TRACKS with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had An editor once wrote: 'Don't be surprised if you find happened. He replied, 'You see, I have given up drinking mistakes in this editorial newsletter. We print something but Imamdin has not. So I have put away my glass and for everyone. And some people are always looking for drink only on behalf of my friend.' mistakes.' Contributed by Dr Dhanul Haq Haqqi, Karachi Contributed by Gagan Dhir, New Delhi CAREER PLANNING Banto took her son Ghanta to the headmaster and said, 'Masterjee, my Ghanta thinks about a lot of things but HONOURABLE POLITICS? when it comes to work, he does nothing. What should we A man saw an epitaph in a cemetery which read: 'Here do for his career?' lies an honest man and politician.' The headmaster replied, 'Get him to apply for a job in 'Shame,' he cried, 'two people in the same grave!' the Planning Commission.' Contributed by H.D. Shourie, New Delhi Contributed by J. P. Singh Kaka, Bhopal WHODUNIT? TONGUE OF SLIP An Akali leader was fulminating against the Congress. I hree men applied for the job of a Addressing a crowded university meeting, he thundered, detective: Santa from India, Marc Grayberg, a Jew; and 'The Congress wallahs are all waters of the first rogue.' Tom Silanti, an Italian. The audience burst into laughter over his lapse of The chief decided to ask each applicant just one tongue. The Akali leader realised he had made a mistake. question and base his decision upon the answer. When He joined the palms of his hands to ask for pardon, T am Grayberg arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, very sorry, it is a tongue of slip.' 'Who killed Jesus Christ?' He answered without This time the laughter was louder than before. The hesitation, 'The Romans killed him.' The chief thanked gentleman that he was, the Akali leader was genuinely him and he left. contrite, 'You must pardon me. I am always limiting the When Silanti arrived for his interview, the chief asked cross.' him the same question. He replied, 'Jesus was killed by the Jews.' The chief thanked him also and he left.Contributed by S.R. Patnaik, Cuttack Finally, Santa arrived for his interview and was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, 'Could I have some time to think about it?' The chief said, 'Ok, but get back to me tomorrow.' FAIR EXCHANGE When Santa arrived home, his wife asked, 'How did When I was a youngster,' complained the frustrated father the interview go?' Pat came the reply, 'Great, I got the job, Ujaagar, T was disciplined by being confined to my room and I'm already investigating a murder!'and not allowed to play with friends. But my son has his own colour TV, telephone, computer, and CD player to Contributed by Hardip Kaur Sandhu, Denmark keep himself amused.' 'So what do you do?' asked his friend. T send him to my room!' Contributed by Atul Kamath, Kumta