Man of Culture

Man of Culture Pilot Episode
Copyright (c) 2012

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INTRO. INT. POST OFFICE. DAY
A POSTMAN IS TALKING TO CAMERA AS HE SORTS OUT MAIL ON A
TABLE. A TELEPHONE IS BESIDE HIM. A COUPLE OF HIS
COLLEAGUES ARE IN THE BACKGROUND DOING THE SAME. ONE IS
HOLDING A CUP OF TEA.
LIAM
I'm not sure why you want to film
in an Irish post office to be
honest. It's the same as any
other post office I'm sure. There
is nothing interesting about the
post.
THE POSTMAN LIFTS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER.
LIAM
Hello, may I speak with Mr McArt?
LIAM WAITS FOR A RESPONSE.
CONT
What? That's you? I'm calling
from the post office just to let
you know your package will be
with you today between 9 and 1,
okay. Make sure you don't leave
the house, you can't go anywhere,
okay, thanks. Bye.
INT. POST-VAN. DAY
THE TIME APPEARS IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN. IT'S 8:39AM.
LIAM AND A ANOTHER MAN ARE IN A POST-VAN PARKED AT THE
SIDE OF THE STREET IN A HOUSING ESTATE BEHIND A TREE.
DIRECTOR
You boys are efficient. You're
early with the package delivery.
LIAM AND THE MAN BEGIN TO CHUCKLE. LIAM LIFTS A PAIR OF
BINOCULARS TO HIS EYES.
LIAM
Right, I think he looked out
there, he must be waiting. Let's
get this goin, Barley.
THE MAN RUSTLES INTO PLASTIC BAGS AND PRODUCES A LITER
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY AND TWO SHOT GLASSES. HE POURS TWO
SHOTS. LIAM AND HIS FRIEND PROCEED TO DRINK.
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
2.
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 9:23AM. STILL IN THE VAN,
LIAM HAS THE BINOCULARS TO HIS EYES. THE CAMERA ZOOMS INTO
THE WINDOW OF THE HOUSE THEY ARE WATCHING. A MAN PEELS
BACK THE CURTAINS AND LOOKS OUT.
LIAM
There he goes again.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT. LIAM AND HIS FRIEND DOWN ANOTHER
SHOT.
CUT TO
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 10:11AM. STILL IN THE
VAN, LIAM HAS THE BINOCULARS TO HIS EYES.
LIAM
ha ha, there he is! by the side
of his house at the bins!
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN. WE SEE THE SAME MAN AT THE SIDE OF
HIS HOUSE PEERING OUT BEHIND THE BINS. THE CAMERA ZOOMS
OUT. LIAM AND HIS FRIEND MERRILY DRINK ANOTHER SHOT.
CUT TO
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 11:29AM. LIAM AND HIS
FRIEND ARE STILL IN THE VAN. ANOTHER VAN IS HEARD DRIVING
PAST.
LIAM
Christ, there's a van he is going
to look! There he is at the front
door, ha ha!
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN. THE SAME MAN HAS OPENED HIS FRONT
DOOR AND IS STANDING IN HIS DRESSING GOWN LOOKING FROM
SIDE TO SIDE, HE IS ANGRY. THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT. LIAM AND
HIS FRIEND ROWDILY DRINK A SHOT.
CUT TO
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 11:58AM. LIAM AND HIS
FRIEND ARE ASLEEP IN THE VAN.
CUT TO
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 13:07PM. LIAM SHUDDERS
AND WAKES UP. HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
LIAM
Aw, god sake it's after one. I
better deliver this.
LIAM GRABS THE PACKAGE AND GETS OUT OF THE VAN.
CUT TO
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
3.
LIAM IS WALKING TOWARDS THE HOUSE. HE HAS A SLIGHTLY
UNUSUAL WALK DUE TO THE WHISKEY. LIAM REACHES THE HOUSE
AND PROCEEDS TO RING THE DOORBELL. THE MAN IMMEDIATELY
OPENS THE DOOR BEFORE THE BELL ENDS. HE IS VERY ANGRY.
LIAM
(slurring)
Ah hello there! Are you a Mr Mc,
McArt? I have a package here for
a Mr Mc, McArt, is that your name
is it?
MR MCART
Yes, that's me and you were
supposed to be here hours ago.
LIAM
Naw, naw, I said between 9 and 1.
I'm only a few minutes late. Sign
here.
MR MCART ANGRILY GRABS THE PEN AND FORM. HE HASTILY
SCRIBBLES HIS SIGNATURE BEFORE HANDING IT BACK TO LIAM.
LIAM TURNS AND SMIRKS AT THE CAMERA AS HE DRUNKENLY WALKS
BACK TO THE VAN. MR MCART STARES AT LIAM AS HE WALKS OFF
BEFORE TURNING AND SLAMMING HIS FRONT DOOR CLOSED.
LIAM GETS BACK INTO THE DRIVERS SEAT. THE CAMERA CREW GO
AROUND THE BACK AND OPEN THE BACK DOORS, THEY CLIMB IN.
SACKFULS OF LETTERS ARE LAYING IN THE VAN.
LIAM
Now to post the rest.
OPENING TITLES
INT. DAY. KITCHEN
A WOMAN IS IN THE KITCHEN TALKING TO CAMERA.
LIAM'S MUM
Liam was so talented so he was,
we knew that from the get go. I
had a home birth an he climbed
out himself with no help, no
bother to him. When the doctor
got here I just told him there
was no need and to head back to
the hospital.
CUT TO
LIAM'S MUM IN THE LIVING ROOM STANDING BESIDE THE TV. A
TEAM WITH A YOUNG LIAM SITS ON TOP OF THE TV. HE HAS ONE
EYE CLOSED AND ONE HALF OPEN, LEANING AGAINST A TEAM MATE.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
4.
LIAM'S MUM
He took to football really young,
he'd be outside for hours kicking
a ball around and we never
noticed any problems. It was when
he started playing competitively
in school that it reared its ugly
head.
CUT TO
A MAN STANDING AT A BUS STOP. HE IS LIAM'S BEST FRIEND.
BARLEY
It held him back from super
stardom so it did. He would of
had it all if it wasn't for the
illness. Money, cars, women,
holidays to anywhere in the
world. Not to mention the awards,
sponsorship deals, multiple
houses, hot women, adoring fans,
celebrities as his other best
mates, women of all shapes and
sizes. I'm telling ye, he could
have had it all...an I could have
leeched off him, it's wile
unfair. He ruined it for both of
us.
CUT TO
OLD MEDICAL FILE FOOTAGE OF PREVIOUS EXPERIMENTS REGARDING
NARCOLEPSY PATIENTS. A VOICE OVER OF A DOCTOR BEGINS TO
EXPLAIN THE CONDITION.
DOCTOR
Narcolepsy is a very serious
condition that affects the part
of the brain that regulates when
you're asleep or when you're
awake, the effects differ from
person to person.
CUT TO
THE DOCTOR SITTING AND TALKING TO CAMERA. HIS NAME APPEARS
ON THE LOWER CORNER. DR STEVEN LANDERS. HIS NAME IS ALSO
ON THE DOOR, DR. S. LANDERS.
CONT
They can take hold of you in
various situations like becoming
excited, laughter, surprise,
arousal, even sitting still for a
matter of minutes. Liam's case
was rare in that it only seemed
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
5.
DOCTOR (cont'd)
to take hold when he was about to
do something well. He was,
medically, a loser.
A MEDICAL CERTIFICATE IS HANGING ON THE WALL OVER HIS
SHOULDER. IT READS MEDICAL LICENSE INVALID
CUT TO
LIAM'S MUM IN THE LIVING ROOM. A HOME VIDEO OF AN EARLY
FOOTBALL MATCH WITH LIAM IS ON THE TV. HIS MUM LOOKS
UPSET.
LIAM'S MUM
That's Liam there, this is when
we first noticed it wasn't a one
time thing.
A YOUNG LIAM IS RUNNING WITH THE BALL. HE BEGINS TO SLOW
DOWN UNTIL HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND THEN TO THE GROUND.
HE IS FAST ASLEEP ON THE PITCH. A VOICE BEHIND THE CAMERA
SHOUTS
VOICE
Aw fuck, here he goes! Not again!
AN OPPOSING TEAM PLAYER RUNS AND TRIPS OVER LIAM. HE ROLLS
ABOUT HOLDING HIS LEG IN AGONY. THE REFEREE RUNS OVER AND
AWARDS THE OPPOSING TEAM THE FREE KICK.
VOICE
He's faking!
THE REF GIVES LIAM A RED CARD. LIAM IS ROLLED OFF THE
PITCH, STILL FAST ASLEEP.
LIAM'S MUM
(sobbing)
It's awful, absolutely terrible.
INT. DAY. POST OFFICE
LIAM IS RETURNING TO THE POST OFFICE AFTER HIS MORNINGS
WORK. HE PUTS HIS BAG INTO HIS LOCKER. A FEMALE COWORKER
LOOKS AT THE CAMERA CREW CONFUSED. HE WINKS AT HER
NONCHALANTLY AS HE LEAVES.
INT. BAR. DAY
LIAM IS IN A BAR STILL WEARING HIS POSTMAN UNIFORM. A
PARTIALLY DRUNK PINT CAN BE SEEN ON THE TABLE BESIDE HIM.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
6.
LIAM
You know by now, I'm Liam. I'm a
postman aye, but I wasn't always
a
postman. I was once one of the
cities hottest football
prospects, until I was cut down
in me prime.
LIAM SHAKES HIS HEAD DISAPPOINTINGLY. HE TAKES A SIP OF
HIS PINT.
CONT
Some people seemed to have
forgotten, and frankly I've had
enough. The town that I put on
the
RTE news weather maps has
been awarded the City of Culture,
and their in need of a mascot.
Who better to be the face of
culture than me?
BARMAN
That's a fiver, Liam.
LIAM REACHES INTO HIS POSTMAN COAT PULLING OUT A COLOURED
ENVELOPE. HE REMOVES A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM IT AND TAKES OUT
SOME MONEY. HE HANDS IT TO THE BARMAN.
LIAM
I mean, the things I could have
achieved would have been
phenomenal, the city should be
proud to have me. I was probably
going to be their most famous son
so I'm the perfect choice to
represent their culture, nobody
else associated with this city
has done anything of note sure.
THE BARMAN CONTINUES TO CLEAN GLASSES, NOT LOOKING UP AT
THE CAMERA OR LIAM.
BARMAN
What about Seamus Heaney? Martin
O' Neill? John Hume or The
Undertones?
LIAM
Aye, alright, Martin maybe but
sure I've never even heard of yer
man Seamus and sure The
Undertones barely exist anymore.
Everything they have already
achieved in life would not come
close to everything that I was
going to achieve, no chance, I
was certain to be a star, a world
beater.

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7.
INT. MORNING. LIAM'S HOUSE
THE TIME IS SHOWN IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN. IT'S
4:54AM. LIAM HAS WOKEN UP FOR WORK. OBVIOUSLY TIRED, LIAM
PROCEEDS WITH HIS PREPARATIONS. BRUSHING HIS TEETH,
GETTING DRESSED AND EATING HIS BREAKFAST. HE FLICKS
THROUGH A BRA CATALOG WHILE HE EATS.
CAMERAMAN
Late night, Liam?
LIAM
Well, I haven't slept at all. I
was up all night getting a head
start on my campaign to be the
city's mascot. Took a few hours
but it'll be worth it in the end.
People around the town will be
waking up to my marketing plan.
Have you not seen the video I
recorded there? Banksy be proud
of me so he would!
CUT TO
SHAKY FOOTAGE OF THE CAMERA BEING CARRIED IN NIGHT VISION
MODE. THE CAMERA IS SAT ON A STEADY SURFACE. LIAM WALKS IN
FRONT OF IT IN HIS PAJAMA BOTTOMS WITH NO SHIRT ON. HE
BEGINS TO STICK UP POSTERS IN THE STREET IN A BID TO KICK
START HIS CAMPAIGN. LIAM IS HOLDING A CAN OF BEER IN ONE
HAND AND A PASTE BRUSH IN THE OTHER. HE SEEMS DETERMINED
TO DO EVERYTHING WITH ONE HAND AS HE NEVER PUTS THE BEER
DOWN.
HE PUTS HIS POSTER OVER ONE OF TWO MISSING PERSONS
POSTERS AND MOVES DOWN THE WALL. HE LOOKS BACK AND
REALISES WHAT HE HAS DONE.
LIAM
Ach, shite
LIAM WALKS BACK DOWN THE WALL. HE PLASTERS OVER THE SECOND
MISSING PERSONS POSTER.
EXT. DAY. HOUSING ESTATE
LIAM IS HARD AT WORK DELIVERING HIS LETTERS TO THE ESTATE.
ON THIS SHIFT HE IS INCLUDING HIS LEAFLETS THAT DOCUMENT
THE REASONS HE SHOULD BE THE MASCOT FOR THE CITY OF
CULTURE. HE SHOWS THE LEAFLET TO THE CAMERA BEFORE HE
POSTS IT ALONGSIDE THE LETTERS.
CUT TO
LIAM WALKING PAST A BUS STOP. PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR THE
BUS. HE BEGINS TO INTERACT WITH THEM AS HE WALKS PAST.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
8.
LIAM
Liam for Derry, Liam for Derry,
Liam for Derry
THE NEXT PERSON IN LIAM'S PATH IS A YOUNG MALE DRESSED IN
A TRACKSUIT. HE HAS A GOLD CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK, A
BASEBALL CAP ON HIS HEAD AND ONE HAND DOWN HIS TRACKSUIT
BOTTOMS.
CONT
Liam for..uh..ye alright young
fella?
LIAM SOUNDS INTIMIDATED AND BEGINS TO WALK OFF. AS HE
WALKS AWAY HE TURNS TO CAMERA.
CONT
don't want my campaign getting
tarred with the duh duh brush!
EXT. DAY. TOWN CENTRE
LIAM IS IN THE CENTRE OF TOWN STILL ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
HE IS TRYING TO TALK TO LOCALS TO VOTE FOR HIM TO
REPRESENT THE CITY. HE APPROACHES A LOCAL MAN. LIAM
MUTTERS THE WORD 'MUG' UNDER HIS BREATH BEFORE RAISING HIS
VOICE.
LIAM
Alright Chuckie, here, Liam for
Derry, can I count on you to back
me?
CHUCKIE
Liam! fuckin' hell, aye Jesus
Liam, what are ye goin' for?
Mascot for Derry? Fuckin' hell
aye no bother, I don't mean to
swear in front of the cameras but
holy fuck ye know why Liam, cause
you're a legend and you're from
Derry. You're Legenderry!
LIAM SNAPS THE LEAFLET OUT OF THE MANS HANDS AND STORMS
OFF.
LIAM
Wanker...Legenderry? Fuckin' Duh
Duh. That's two I've met
already..two duh-duhs!!
LIAM CONTINUES HIS WALK AROUND TOWN. HE APPROACHES A
MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN A LONG COAT. THE MAN IS CARRYING
SHOPPING BAGS. HE SEEMS HAPPY TO BE STOPPED AND IS
DELIGHTED AT THE SIGHT OF THE CAMERAS. AN AURA OF SMUGNESS
OOZES FROM HIS PERSONA. HIS MOOD TURNS SOUR ONCE HE
REALISES LIAM IS WITH THEM.
(CONTINUED)

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CONTINUED:
9.
LIAM
Liam For Derry sir, how are ye,
just doin' some shopping are we?
Ye get me anything, ha ha?
SMUG MAN
No. Why would I?
LIAM
Ah... dunno, Listen I'm just out
trying to secure peoples votes
for me as the mascot of Derry
for..
THE SMUG MAN CUTS HIM OFF.
SMUG MAN
You? To represent Derry?
THE MAN SNORTS IN DISGUST.
I don't think so.
LIAM
Well sir, I'm a good man, a great
representation for the town and
I'm a local hero.
SMUG MAN
I know ye Liam and you're
useless. You've got no public
speaking confidence. You can't
string a sentence together when
under pressure
LIAM OPENS HIS MOUTH TO REBUTTAL BUT STUTTERS. HIS WORDS
BECOME INCOHERENT AND GIBBERISH.
CONT
You're an awful postman, I don't
forget, Liam, and top of all that
you're shite looking, no one
wants that on a poster! Fuckin'
nostrils on ye!
THE SMUG SHORT TEMPERED MAN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WALKS OFF
IN DISGUST. LIAM LOOKS SHOCKED. HIS FEELINGS CLEARLY HURT.
LIAM LOWERS HIS HEAD, BUT SUDDENLY RAISES IT IN
DETERMINATION.
LIAM
Right. I'll show him
CUT TO
LIAM WALKING ALONG THE CITY CENTRE CHASING THE SMUG MAN.
HE CATCHES UP TO HIM AFTER A FEW SECONDS, TAPPING HIM ON
THE SHOULDER. THE MAN TURNS AROUND, ANNOYED AND ANGRY.
(CONTINUED)

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