Man of Culture Pilot Episode
Copyright (c) 2012
INTRO. INT. POST OFFICE. DAY
A POSTMAN IS TALKING TO CAMERA AS HE SORTS OUT MAIL ON A
TABLE. A TELEPHONE IS BESIDE HIM. A COUPLE OF HIS
COLLEAGUES ARE IN THE BACKGROUND DOING THE SAME. ONE IS
HOLDING A CUP OF TEA.
I'm not sure why you want to film
in an Irish post office to be
honest. It's the same as any
other post office I'm sure. There
is nothing interesting about the
THE POSTMAN LIFTS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER.
Hello, may I speak with Mr McArt?
LIAM WAITS FOR A RESPONSE.
What? That's you? I'm calling
from the post office just to let
you know your package will be
with you today between 9 and 1,
okay. Make sure you don't leave
the house, you can't go anywhere,
okay, thanks. Bye.
INT. POST-VAN. DAY
THE TIME APPEARS IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN. IT'S 8:39AM.
LIAM AND A ANOTHER MAN ARE IN A POST-VAN PARKED AT THE
SIDE OF THE STREET IN A HOUSING ESTATE BEHIND A TREE.
You boys are efficient. You're
early with the package delivery.
LIAM AND THE MAN BEGIN TO CHUCKLE. LIAM LIFTS A PAIR OF
BINOCULARS TO HIS EYES.
Right, I think he looked out
there, he must be waiting. Let's
get this goin, Barley.
THE MAN RUSTLES INTO PLASTIC BAGS AND PRODUCES A LITER
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY AND TWO SHOT GLASSES. HE POURS TWO
SHOTS. LIAM AND HIS FRIEND PROCEED TO DRINK.
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 9:23AM. STILL IN THE VAN,
LIAM HAS THE BINOCULARS TO HIS EYES. THE CAMERA ZOOMS INTO
THE WINDOW OF THE HOUSE THEY ARE WATCHING. A MAN PEELS
BACK THE CURTAINS AND LOOKS OUT.
There he goes again.
THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT. LIAM AND HIS FRIEND DOWN ANOTHER
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 10:11AM. STILL IN THE
VAN, LIAM HAS THE BINOCULARS TO HIS EYES.
ha ha, there he is! by the side
of his house at the bins!
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN. WE SEE THE SAME MAN AT THE SIDE OF
HIS HOUSE PEERING OUT BEHIND THE BINS. THE CAMERA ZOOMS
OUT. LIAM AND HIS FRIEND MERRILY DRINK ANOTHER SHOT.
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 11:29AM. LIAM AND HIS
FRIEND ARE STILL IN THE VAN. ANOTHER VAN IS HEARD DRIVING
Christ, there's a van he is going
to look! There he is at the front
door, ha ha!
THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN. THE SAME MAN HAS OPENED HIS FRONT
DOOR AND IS STANDING IN HIS DRESSING GOWN LOOKING FROM
SIDE TO SIDE, HE IS ANGRY. THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT. LIAM AND
HIS FRIEND ROWDILY DRINK A SHOT.
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 11:58AM. LIAM AND HIS
FRIEND ARE ASLEEP IN THE VAN.
THE TIME APPEARS ON SCREEN. IT'S 13:07PM. LIAM SHUDDERS
AND WAKES UP. HE LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
Aw, god sake it's after one. I
better deliver this.
LIAM GRABS THE PACKAGE AND GETS OUT OF THE VAN.
LIAM IS WALKING TOWARDS THE HOUSE. HE HAS A SLIGHTLY
UNUSUAL WALK DUE TO THE WHISKEY. LIAM REACHES THE HOUSE
AND PROCEEDS TO RING THE DOORBELL. THE MAN IMMEDIATELY
OPENS THE DOOR BEFORE THE BELL ENDS. HE IS VERY ANGRY.
Ah hello there! Are you a Mr Mc,
McArt? I have a package here for
a Mr Mc, McArt, is that your name
Yes, that's me and you were
supposed to be here hours ago.
Naw, naw, I said between 9 and 1.
I'm only a few minutes late. Sign
MR MCART ANGRILY GRABS THE PEN AND FORM. HE HASTILY
SCRIBBLES HIS SIGNATURE BEFORE HANDING IT BACK TO LIAM.
LIAM TURNS AND SMIRKS AT THE CAMERA AS HE DRUNKENLY WALKS
BACK TO THE VAN. MR MCART STARES AT LIAM AS HE WALKS OFF
BEFORE TURNING AND SLAMMING HIS FRONT DOOR CLOSED.
LIAM GETS BACK INTO THE DRIVERS SEAT. THE CAMERA CREW GO
AROUND THE BACK AND OPEN THE BACK DOORS, THEY CLIMB IN.
SACKFULS OF LETTERS ARE LAYING IN THE VAN.
Now to post the rest.
INT. DAY. KITCHEN
A WOMAN IS IN THE KITCHEN TALKING TO CAMERA.
Liam was so talented so he was,
we knew that from the get go. I
had a home birth an he climbed
out himself with no help, no
bother to him. When the doctor
got here I just told him there
was no need and to head back to
LIAM'S MUM IN THE LIVING ROOM STANDING BESIDE THE TV. A
TEAM WITH A YOUNG LIAM SITS ON TOP OF THE TV. HE HAS ONE
EYE CLOSED AND ONE HALF OPEN, LEANING AGAINST A TEAM MATE.
He took to football really young,
he'd be outside for hours kicking
a ball around and we never
noticed any problems. It was when
he started playing competitively
in school that it reared its ugly
A MAN STANDING AT A BUS STOP. HE IS LIAM'S BEST FRIEND.
It held him back from super
stardom so it did. He would of
had it all if it wasn't for the
illness. Money, cars, women,
holidays to anywhere in the
world. Not to mention the awards,
sponsorship deals, multiple
houses, hot women, adoring fans,
celebrities as his other best
mates, women of all shapes and
sizes. I'm telling ye, he could
have had it all...an I could have
leeched off him, it's wile
unfair. He ruined it for both of
OLD MEDICAL FILE FOOTAGE OF PREVIOUS EXPERIMENTS REGARDING
NARCOLEPSY PATIENTS. A VOICE OVER OF A DOCTOR BEGINS TO
EXPLAIN THE CONDITION.
Narcolepsy is a very serious
condition that affects the part
of the brain that regulates when
you're asleep or when you're
awake, the effects differ from
person to person.
THE DOCTOR SITTING AND TALKING TO CAMERA. HIS NAME APPEARS
ON THE LOWER CORNER. DR STEVEN LANDERS. HIS NAME IS ALSO
ON THE DOOR, DR. S. LANDERS.
They can take hold of you in
various situations like becoming
excited, laughter, surprise,
arousal, even sitting still for a
matter of minutes. Liam's case
was rare in that it only seemed
to take hold when he was about to
do something well. He was,
medically, a loser.
A MEDICAL CERTIFICATE IS HANGING ON THE WALL OVER HIS
SHOULDER. IT READS MEDICAL LICENSE INVALID
LIAM'S MUM IN THE LIVING ROOM. A HOME VIDEO OF AN EARLY
FOOTBALL MATCH WITH LIAM IS ON THE TV. HIS MUM LOOKS
That's Liam there, this is when
we first noticed it wasn't a one
A YOUNG LIAM IS RUNNING WITH THE BALL. HE BEGINS TO SLOW
DOWN UNTIL HE FALLS TO HIS KNEES AND THEN TO THE GROUND.
HE IS FAST ASLEEP ON THE PITCH. A VOICE BEHIND THE CAMERA
Aw fuck, here he goes! Not again!
AN OPPOSING TEAM PLAYER RUNS AND TRIPS OVER LIAM. HE ROLLS
ABOUT HOLDING HIS LEG IN AGONY. THE REFEREE RUNS OVER AND
AWARDS THE OPPOSING TEAM THE FREE KICK.
THE REF GIVES LIAM A RED CARD. LIAM IS ROLLED OFF THE
PITCH, STILL FAST ASLEEP.
It's awful, absolutely terrible.
INT. DAY. POST OFFICE
LIAM IS RETURNING TO THE POST OFFICE AFTER HIS MORNINGS
WORK. HE PUTS HIS BAG INTO HIS LOCKER. A FEMALE COWORKER
LOOKS AT THE CAMERA CREW CONFUSED. HE WINKS AT HER
NONCHALANTLY AS HE LEAVES.
INT. BAR. DAY
LIAM IS IN A BAR STILL WEARING HIS POSTMAN UNIFORM. A
PARTIALLY DRUNK PINT CAN BE SEEN ON THE TABLE BESIDE HIM.
You know by now, I'm Liam. I'm a
postman aye, but I wasn't always
postman. I was once one of the
cities hottest football
prospects, until I was cut down
in me prime.
LIAM SHAKES HIS HEAD DISAPPOINTINGLY. HE TAKES A SIP OF
Some people seemed to have
forgotten, and frankly I've had
enough. The town that I put on
RTE news weather maps has
been awarded the City of Culture,
and their in need of a mascot.
Who better to be the face of
culture than me?
That's a fiver, Liam.
LIAM REACHES INTO HIS POSTMAN COAT PULLING OUT A COLOURED
ENVELOPE. HE REMOVES A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM IT AND TAKES OUT
SOME MONEY. HE HANDS IT TO THE BARMAN.
I mean, the things I could have
achieved would have been
phenomenal, the city should be
proud to have me. I was probably
going to be their most famous son
so I'm the perfect choice to
represent their culture, nobody
else associated with this city
has done anything of note sure.
THE BARMAN CONTINUES TO CLEAN GLASSES, NOT LOOKING UP AT
THE CAMERA OR LIAM.
What about Seamus Heaney? Martin
O' Neill? John Hume or The
Aye, alright, Martin maybe but
sure I've never even heard of yer
man Seamus and sure The
Undertones barely exist anymore.
Everything they have already
achieved in life would not come
close to everything that I was
going to achieve, no chance, I
was certain to be a star, a world
INT. MORNING. LIAM'S HOUSE
THE TIME IS SHOWN IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN. IT'S
4:54AM. LIAM HAS WOKEN UP FOR WORK. OBVIOUSLY TIRED, LIAM
PROCEEDS WITH HIS PREPARATIONS. BRUSHING HIS TEETH,
GETTING DRESSED AND EATING HIS BREAKFAST. HE FLICKS
THROUGH A BRA CATALOG WHILE HE EATS.
Late night, Liam?
Well, I haven't slept at all. I
was up all night getting a head
start on my campaign to be the
city's mascot. Took a few hours
but it'll be worth it in the end.
People around the town will be
waking up to my marketing plan.
Have you not seen the video I
recorded there? Banksy be proud
of me so he would!
SHAKY FOOTAGE OF THE CAMERA BEING CARRIED IN NIGHT VISION
MODE. THE CAMERA IS SAT ON A STEADY SURFACE. LIAM WALKS IN
FRONT OF IT IN HIS PAJAMA BOTTOMS WITH NO SHIRT ON. HE
BEGINS TO STICK UP POSTERS IN THE STREET IN A BID TO KICK
START HIS CAMPAIGN. LIAM IS HOLDING A CAN OF BEER IN ONE
HAND AND A PASTE BRUSH IN THE OTHER. HE SEEMS DETERMINED
TO DO EVERYTHING WITH ONE HAND AS HE NEVER PUTS THE BEER
HE PUTS HIS POSTER OVER ONE OF TWO MISSING PERSONS
POSTERS AND MOVES DOWN THE WALL. HE LOOKS BACK AND
REALISES WHAT HE HAS DONE.
LIAM WALKS BACK DOWN THE WALL. HE PLASTERS OVER THE SECOND
MISSING PERSONS POSTER.
EXT. DAY. HOUSING ESTATE
LIAM IS HARD AT WORK DELIVERING HIS LETTERS TO THE ESTATE.
ON THIS SHIFT HE IS INCLUDING HIS LEAFLETS THAT DOCUMENT
THE REASONS HE SHOULD BE THE MASCOT FOR THE CITY OF
CULTURE. HE SHOWS THE LEAFLET TO THE CAMERA BEFORE HE
POSTS IT ALONGSIDE THE LETTERS.
LIAM WALKING PAST A BUS STOP. PEOPLE ARE WAITING FOR THE
BUS. HE BEGINS TO INTERACT WITH THEM AS HE WALKS PAST.
Liam for Derry, Liam for Derry,
Liam for Derry
THE NEXT PERSON IN LIAM'S PATH IS A YOUNG MALE DRESSED IN
A TRACKSUIT. HE HAS A GOLD CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK, A
BASEBALL CAP ON HIS HEAD AND ONE HAND DOWN HIS TRACKSUIT
Liam for..uh..ye alright young
LIAM SOUNDS INTIMIDATED AND BEGINS TO WALK OFF. AS HE
WALKS AWAY HE TURNS TO CAMERA.
don't want my campaign getting
tarred with the duh duh brush!
EXT. DAY. TOWN CENTRE
LIAM IS IN THE CENTRE OF TOWN STILL ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
HE IS TRYING TO TALK TO LOCALS TO VOTE FOR HIM TO
REPRESENT THE CITY. HE APPROACHES A LOCAL MAN. LIAM
MUTTERS THE WORD 'MUG' UNDER HIS BREATH BEFORE RAISING HIS
Alright Chuckie, here, Liam for
Derry, can I count on you to back
Liam! fuckin' hell, aye Jesus
Liam, what are ye goin' for?
Mascot for Derry? Fuckin' hell
aye no bother, I don't mean to
swear in front of the cameras but
holy fuck ye know why Liam, cause
you're a legend and you're from
Derry. You're Legenderry!
LIAM SNAPS THE LEAFLET OUT OF THE MANS HANDS AND STORMS
Wanker...Legenderry? Fuckin' Duh
Duh. That's two I've met
LIAM CONTINUES HIS WALK AROUND TOWN. HE APPROACHES A
MIDDLE-AGED MAN IN A LONG COAT. THE MAN IS CARRYING
SHOPPING BAGS. HE SEEMS HAPPY TO BE STOPPED AND IS
DELIGHTED AT THE SIGHT OF THE CAMERAS. AN AURA OF SMUGNESS
OOZES FROM HIS PERSONA. HIS MOOD TURNS SOUR ONCE HE
REALISES LIAM IS WITH THEM.
Liam For Derry sir, how are ye,
just doin' some shopping are we?
Ye get me anything, ha ha?
No. Why would I?
Ah... dunno, Listen I'm just out
trying to secure peoples votes
for me as the mascot of Derry
THE SMUG MAN CUTS HIM OFF.
You? To represent Derry?
THE MAN SNORTS IN DISGUST.
I don't think so.
Well sir, I'm a good man, a great
representation for the town and
I'm a local hero.
I know ye Liam and you're
useless. You've got no public
speaking confidence. You can't
string a sentence together when
LIAM OPENS HIS MOUTH TO REBUTTAL BUT STUTTERS. HIS WORDS
BECOME INCOHERENT AND GIBBERISH.
You're an awful postman, I don't
forget, Liam, and top of all that
you're shite looking, no one
wants that on a poster! Fuckin'
nostrils on ye!
THE SMUG SHORT TEMPERED MAN SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WALKS OFF
IN DISGUST. LIAM LOOKS SHOCKED. HIS FEELINGS CLEARLY HURT.
LIAM LOWERS HIS HEAD, BUT SUDDENLY RAISES IT IN
Right. I'll show him
LIAM WALKING ALONG THE CITY CENTRE CHASING THE SMUG MAN.
HE CATCHES UP TO HIM AFTER A FEW SECONDS, TAPPING HIM ON
THE SHOULDER. THE MAN TURNS AROUND, ANNOYED AND ANGRY.