Teens and abusive relationships

TEENS AND ABUSIVE
RELATIONSHIPS

Most of the information contained in this document was found at
http://www.teensagainstabuse.org/index.php

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The Four R's of Prevention

Abusive Relationships: How to Avoid Them

He's cute, funny, smart, and (Gasp!) he wants to be with you. All the time! In fact, he declared
his undying love for you before your first date. He's totally into you. He wants to know where
you are, who you're with, what you're wearing - every nanosecond. Who wouldn't be stoked?
So he does a few tiny annoying things, like continuously expressing his disapproval of the few
extra pounds your hips have acquired. Or he drives recklessly because some guy talked to you
at a party. Or he shoves you a little ("Just fooling around!"). And when he says he'll kill himself
if you ever leave him, it doesn't sound so romantic - kind of creeps you out. But those just
slightly weird things pale next to the fact that you're in looooove. They're really nothing, right?
Research has shown that 36 to 50 percent of American women will be abused in their lifetime.
(Women and girls sometimes abuse men and boys, but nine out of 10 victims are girls or
women).
People don't suddenly turn into abusers when they become adults. It's in their teen dating
relationships. And violence doesn't always begin with a black eye. It can start small and get
bigger. Much bigger. Big enough to send a victim to the hospital or the morgue. In fact, 42
percent of murdered women are killed by their partner (or former partner).

The beginning of the school year is a great time for adults to review their teens understanding
of the Four R's of preventing sexual abuse -- Rules, Read, Respect, and Responsibility --.
Prevention promotes healthy behaviors rather than waiting to punish violations, before there's
any need for a cure.

The Four R's of Prevention
Rules (noun)
Principles set forth to guide behavior or action. Ex. Everyone's safer when everyone knows and
is clear about the rules for what's considered acceptable behavior.
Respect (noun)
To show consideration or thoughtfulness in relation to somebody. Ex. Support others with
respect to live up to the generally accepted rules and expectations for positive interactions, all
the time.
Read (verb)
To interpret the information conveyed by movements, signs, or signals; an understanding of
something by experience or intuitive means. Ex: Regularly read what's going on around you
and trust your instincts to stay aware of concerning behaviors.

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Responsibility (noun)
The state, fact, or position of being accountable to somebody or for something. Ex.
Responsibility for keeping kids safe belongs to every adult in the community, every day.
Rules: With the beginning of the school year, teachers, coaches, other kid's parents, even
popular students are assuming new roles of influence or authority over our teens. Clear, shared
guidelines -- the rules -- about what kids should expect from these relationships let everyone
know what's acceptable and what's considered questionable, long before there's a problem.
Respect: This is the cornerstone of sexual abuse prevention -- both as a way to define what
makes behavior acceptable and as an essential communication tool when concerns arise.
Respectful behavior is the opposite of abusive behavior.
Reading: Regularly "reading" the situations where kids play, learn, and work is an important
part of prevention. To create sexually safe environments, learn to read and redirect potentially
harmful behavior -- like ignoring a kid's limits around hugs, kisses or tickling -- before they are
harmed. Remember, the focus is prevention, not cure. Signs or signals that someone is
struggling to control his or her impulses are often visible long before any sexually harmful
actions.
Responsibility: Kids have the right to count on those with authority or influence to stay within
the bounds of their particular roles: to take responsibility to follow and enforce the expected
rules. Whether the lesson is math or religion, soccer or swimming, successful learning demands
a level of openness and intimacy. Good teachers, coaches and others inspire kids to overcome
challenges with imagination, creativity, and humor.
But over time, some may consciously or unconsciously begin to ignore or gradually change the
terms of the relationship, using things like secret understandings, suggestive jokes, or belittling
other authority figures to engage kids. Even when there is no harmful intention, regularly
breaking the expected rules can leave everyone guessing about what's okay and create
openings to veer off from healthy behaviors.
And don't forget -- older siblings, star athletes, popular students and other kids may need help
managing their influence over other children. As they mature, young people increasingly look to
peers for cues about rules, often leading to confusion or misinformation. But the ultimate
responsibility to provide guidance about safe relationships lies with the adults. Despite what
they may say, kids depend on it.
*Decide on the rules. Talk with friends about what are appropriate rules for those in different
roles of authority or influence. Then make your expectations clear to anyone influencing kids.
*Practice "reading" your teens' relationships. Stay aware of the signs or patterns of change.
Honor your instincts. Then speak up. Ask questions. Talk through your concerns with others.
*Be a role model of respect. Insist that others act respectfully toward you. Stay aware of how
your actions affect others. Use firm, respectful language to insist that others honor the rules.
*Embrace responsibility. Be accountable. Start one conversation everyday with a friend or
family member about how to fulfill adults' responsibility to keep children safe.
Kids shouldn't have the responsibility to recognize and challenge unsafe behaviors. A whole
community of responsible adults, reading behaviors, respectfully supporting kids and other
adults to understand and follow the rules--that's the best way to prevent sexual abuse. Our
kids are counting on us. And after all, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

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UNDERSTANDING DATING ABUSE


TEAR defines dating abuse as:
"When one person uses a pattern of violent behavior through means of verbal, physical or
sexual intimidation to gain power and control of their partner."
Let's face it: Understanding any relationship is tough whether it's healthy or abusive! The idea
of someone being controlled by his or her partner is not easy to understand.
Let's start with the basics of a relationship. The basics of a relationship, healthy or unhealthy,
are to work as a support system for one another, to gain comfort from one another, and to
keep each other happy. Love is about bringing out the best in each other.
The difference between healthy and abusive relationships is that in healthy relationships, the
couple works towards the relationship equally. Healthy relationships consist of a system of
checks and balances combined with equality, individuality, and compromise. In an abusive
relationship one partner takes advantage of these goals and uses them against their partner as
a way to manipulate them into doing what they want. Usually there is little compromise, forced
inequality, and your individuality is taken from you.
Abusers often use excuses such as, "If you love me you would..." or "You have to make
sacrifices for a relationship," or "It would really make me happy if you wouldn't..." Using these
phrases doesn't come across as demanding; and therefore can be hard to distinguish as what
they really are: a way to take advantage of someone. It is understandable that one partner
would try to please the other in an effort to accomplish a stable relationship. So where is the
line of what is abusive and what isn't?
The line should be drawn with what it is that is being requested. Is it a limitation of freedom? Is
it a change of personality or dress? If your partner is asking you to do something against your
will, or to change who you are, then this could be a sign of an abusive relationship. Look for
these and other warning signs.
No relationship starts off abusive. No relationship is first based on violent behavior; it is first
filled with love and affection. In the beginning of many unhealthy relationships, the abuser
comes on very strong and loving to their partner, they show all the attention and acceptance

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that their partner desires. The affection and attention soon becomes excessive and obsessive,
which is unhealthy.
Like the relationship, the abuser is not always bad. In fact, the abuser uses the good aspects of
the relationship to pull the victim back in - which usually succeeds. You would never start
dating someone if they were abusive from the start. It's only after a period of time, after the
victim has become attached to the abuser, that the abuse actually begins.
Once the abuse starts it escalates with time. It can start with small requests, such as
suggestions on a victim's clothing and can lead to yelling or threats. Many people think of
dating abuse as only physical, when in reality, physical abuse is the last tactic used to gain
power and control. The abuser will use put-downs, mind games, constant threats, incessant
phone calls, and preposterous accusations of cheating, and on; in order to lower the self-
esteem of the victim. Abuse also involves manipulation. The victim may start to feel like they
aren't good enough for their partner or may feel discouraged that their efforts to please their
partner do not work. The abuse worsens as the victim's self-esteem lowers. The victim, who
fears causing a fight and aims to please their partner, will give in to the abuser's demands a
little bit at a time.
Victims may stay in abusive relationship because they...

...feel responsible
...think that jealousy and possessiveness is a sign of love
...may not realize they are being abused
...have no one to go to
...are inexperienced with dating relationships
...feel pressured to be in a relationship
...have a lowered self-esteem
...don't want to think the person they love is hurting them
...may believe the abuse is their fault
...hope that their partner will stop being abusive
...believe they are in love
...are not ready to leave their partner

Abusers may abuse their partners because they...

...feel like they have the right to control their partner
...feel like they may lose respect if they don't have control
...believe that aggression solves problems
...think they have processional rights over their partner
...are peer pressured to act violently
...may have learned it at home
...are influenced by violence in the media, society, and peers
...have an aggressive personality
...feel the need to be in control

Even though an abuser may have an excuse for his or her abusive behavior, ABUSE IS
INEXCUSABLE.

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THE POWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

The power and control wheel is a visual display of different
types of abuse that occur in abusive relationships.
It includes: Verbal Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Destruction of Personal Property, Intimidation,
Restriction of Freedom, Sexual Abuse, Abuse of Authority, and Physical Abuse. The Power and
Control wheel gives examples of the types of abuse listed above. The abuse is based on one
partner's need for having power and control over the other.



Verbal Abuse: Any verbal attempt to lower partner's self worth
Destruction of Personal Property: Any attempt to destroy or alter a personal belongings
Intimidation: Any attempt to use looks, actions, tones, or expressions to scare your partner
Restriction of Freedom: Any attempt to limit partner's free will
Abuse of Authority: Any attempt to use authority to control partner
Sexual Abuse: Any unwanted sexual advance to partner
Physical Abuse: Any attempt to cause bodily harm to your partner
Emotional Abuse: Any attempt to manipulate partner's thoughts or feelings

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THE CYCLE OF ABUSE

Predators do indeed test or "groom" their victims. The intentionally violate boundaries in small
ways and wait to see your reaction. Then they up the ante. An example of this could be as
simple as insisting on eating pizza on a date if you have expressed not liking it.
They come on really strong, really quickly. This can be especially hard to spot because it is the
stuff of romantic movie fantasies. It can also be flattering to have someone profess immediate
love. You are definitely special and lovable, but someone who met you 5 minutes ago has no
way to know that yet. Be suspicious of the motives of anyone trying to "sweep you off your
feet". Their true motive may be manipulation.
Soon after the heavy romancing, or sometimes alternating with, predators also mess with your
self-esteem. They criticize you, your activities, you friends and family, again often starting
small and then escalating. This serves to make you doubt yourself (maybe more than you do
already) your choices, and to isolate you from support systems.
So what can you do to better prepare yourself to pick up on these early warning signs? In
Relationships after Severe Trauma: Making Healthy Choices I suggested the following:
1.Avoid going to extremes. Neither isolation or premature, instant attachment are healthy for
you. Learn to share of yourself with people in your life gradually, over time.
2.Learn to hear and pay attention to your "inner voice". This could be your intuition, your gut
sense of something feeling not quite right with another person. This could also be the voices of
other parts of you. Do not discount what they have to say without exploring it. Yes, some parts
may have the job of warning you away from anyone, but there may be valid reason for
concerns about an individual in your life.
3.Get to know yourselves. Develop relationships with other parts of yourself. Learn to
communicate with each other. Share information about people you are meeting, developing
friendships or intimate relationships with.
4.Do you already have someone in your life you trust? A friend? A therapist? Use them as a
sounding board or reality check. Share what concerns you. Listen to feedback, especially if you
tend to "forget" things that concerned you regarding the new person's behavior.
5.Remember that trust is something that is earned. Trust is built in relationships by
experiencing each other over time. Pay attention to whether what others say and do matches
up (or does not), look for consistency over time. Let yourself evaluate whether the relationship
is mutual or one sided: do you each get a chance to talk, receive support and attention or does
it seem to flow in one direction mostly?
6.Learn how to sort out whether your reactions are present- or past-based. Are you angry
because someone has violated your boundaries now or are you reminded of past experiences?
Sometimes it is both!
In addition, I'd like to add:
Healthy people let you say no. They respect (and want to know!) your opinions and
preferences. Your job is to get in touch with what you think and feel and learn to express it.
Learn that "No" is a complete sentence.
Practice it.
A lot.

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The Cycle of Abuse is a visual of a continual
pattern that most abusive relationships follow
1) The cycle starts with the green stage, which is exemplified as being a state when both
partners are happy to be in a relationship, at this point the relationship is loving and enjoyable.
2) The next stage is the yellow stage in which tension is building within the relationship. The
couple may be getting into small arguments, and the abuser may become frustrated with their
partner. The victim does their best to reason with the abuser, calm the abuser, and stays away
from their friends and family to try and work on the relationship. This is the same stage where
the abuser is nitpicking at the victim. They are yelling, screaming, threatening and blames
everything on the victim. This is also the period where the abuser may act sullen and
withdrawal affection from the victim. This phase lasts the longest it could last from days, to
weeks, months, or even years.
3) The last stage is the red stage. This stage is usually the shortest stage and the most
harmful. This stage is based on one specific incident that leads to an explosion of anger. The
abuser may sexually, physically, psychologically or verbally harm their partner. Some abusers
may use a weapon against the victim, pull their hair, and publicly humiliate the victim. This is
the time when the victim may call the police, fight back and leave the relationship.
4) The abuser quickly defaults into the green stage again to make up for their behavior. This
is when the abuser will bring flowers, declare their love for the victim, say they are sorry, and
may even enter counseling. During this time the abuser will blame outside forces for the
abuse, say they are stressed and makes empty promises that things will change. The victim at
this time will end all legal procedures against the abuser, go back to the relationship, agrees to
work things out and feels hopeful that things will change.
Once the cycle is in place it becomes difficult to break. Visually, the cycle shows the different
stages and the roles that the abuser and victim take in each stage; it also visualizes the length
of time of each stage. The cycle of abuse is based around denial, because when the both
parties deny the abuse, there is no way to stop the pattern.

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AM I IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
What is a Healthy Relationship?
Ask yourself these questions about your relationship:

* Does each partner respect the other's opinions, even when they are different?
* Does each partner share equally in making decisions about how you will spend your time
together and about other issues?
* Does each partner encourage the other to have friends and interests outside the
relationship?
* Are both partners willing to talk openly and honestly about problems in the relationship,
and willing to work together to resolve conflicts?
* Are both partners willing to accept responsibility for their behavior when something
hurtful is said or done?
* Does each partner respect the limits and boundaries set by the other?
These are just a few aspects of a healthy relationship: respect, trust, support, communication,
and equality. Healthy relationships are a partnership between two people. Most importantly,
there is no fear of violence.

Does your partner...
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Have a short temper? Have severe mood swings or frequent bad moods?
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Act very jealous? Maybe think everybody around WANTS you?
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Yell, get aggressive or abusive toward inanimate objects or animals?
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Use or own weapons or have a history of violence and fighting?
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Exaggerate fights?
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Brag about mistreating other people?
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Disrespect their parents or generally treat them badly?
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Dislike your parents, relatives and friends?
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Try to limit who you talk to? - Pick your friends?
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Make you tell him/her where you are going and who you are with?
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Seem jealous and possessive about the time you spend with others?
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Force you to choose between being with the mor with your friends or family?
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Constantly check up on you and ask where you are and what you adre doing?
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Tell you when you have to be home?
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Want you to limit your other activities so you can spend more time together?
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Keep you from getting a job?
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Take up most of your time?
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Declare his love immediately, maybe even the First time you met?

(This is the number one sign of a potentially battering relationship.)

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