A Few Interesting Book of
• The Book of Zelph predicted 9/11 2,500 years before it happened. See
Whores 8:17, page 120.
• Why do the Lamanites have Asian DNA? Find out in 2 Laban 7:37-39,
pages 91, 92, and Whores 1:3-5, pages 92-93. “…our Asian blood flows
through their veins.”
• How can we find out for sure if The Book of Zelph is true? Read Melph
Chapter 5, starting on page 215.
• Can god build a rock so big that even he can’t lift it? This question is
pondered in 1 Laban 8, starting on page 25.
• Josh Anderson was prophesied by Shu, the prophetess whore, 2,500 years
before his birth. See Whores 8:19, page 120.
• Did Native Americans use deer and tapirs to pull chariots? See Chapter 1 of
The Son of Abitch Code, starting on page 125.
• Why is there no evidence of Nephite civilization in America? See Melph
3:28-29, page 211. “…even shall future generations know not of the
• Nephi is tried in absentia for the murder of Laban. A Jerusalem court finds
him guilty. See 1 Laban Chapter 11, starting on page 41.
• Native Americans received their dark skin through the lineage of Lemuel.
See 2 Laban 6:49-52, pages 86-86; 2 Laban chapter 7, beginning on page 88;
Whores 1:3, page 93. "Lemuel’s seed is choice above all other seed."
• The events of the Book of Zelph took place in two main areas, separated by
a narrow neck of land, with water on both sides. See map on page 220.
• Can a prophet be a bunny killer? See 2 Laban 6:17, page 83.
• Multi-level marketing was popular amongst the Nephites. See Whores 2:41,
• Tiger Lilly predicts the arrival of Europeans, and the destruction of Native
American culture. Dances with Cureloms 5:26, page 162.
• The great democracy vs. theocracy debate. See 2 Laban 6:24-26, page 84.
• Seperation of church and state debated. See 2 Laban 6:28-29, pages 84-85.
• The gay marriage debate foretold. See Whores 9:12-13, page 121.
BOOK OF ZELPH
AN ACCOUNT WRITTEN BY
THE HAND OF ZELPH
TAKEN FROM THE PLATES OF LABAN THE YOUNGER, THE
WHORES, AND DANCES WITH CURELOMS
These leather plates are an abridgement of the record of the people of Laban,
the Whores, Dances with Cureloms, and other ancient Americans known
collectively as "Lamanites," who mixed their seed and DNA with the Asian
women who accompanied Laban the Younger when he sailed to the American
Continent, approximately 600BC, in an attempt to avenge the murder of his
father Laban at the hands of Nephi.
The followers of Nephi, known as Nephites, are a remnant of Jerusalem, and
did not mix their seed with Asian whores, and therefore, should have Israelite
DNA markers. However, the Nephites were destroyed by the Lamanites
approximately 400 A.D. and their remains can no longer be found on this
continent, not even by scientific means, because they lived in a limited
geography which nobody has been able to find. The Book of Zelph is written
by way of knowledge, by great men of this, the American continent and it was
engraved upon plates. It was written and hid away from the disbelieving eyes of
the overly religious man until that day that it can come forth to the secular,
gentile Americans of the twenty-first century, to fill the holes in the Book of
Mormon narrative, and explain away the problems of Book of Mormon
historicity, and explain the DNA controversy and the lack of physical evidence.
The plates were preserved by Zelph, the White Lamanite, and given to his son,
Melph, who kept them hidden. They were hid away until a time that they could
come forth so that the gentiles can understand the rest of the Book of Mormon
And now, if there are faults with this book it is nothing to worry about. Even
if you're reading this book and you think to yourself, "No way!" just remember,
maybe it could be true. Therefore, condemn not the things of Laban, The
Whores, Dances with Cureloms, Zelph or any other characters in this book, for
they are real, I promise.
TRANSLATED BY JOSH ANDERSON
AUTHOR AND PROPRIETOR
Copyright © 2006, by Josh Anderson
First Printing, May 2006
A BRIEF ANALYSIS OF THE
BOOK OF ZELPH
The Book of Zelph is a record of peoples in ancient America, and was engraved
upon plates, and other types of writing surfaces. Six kinds of records are spoken
of in the book itself:
1. The Plates of Laban, which were many kinds: Gold plates, silver plates with
jewels fastened in the corners, bronze plates, and steel plates. The stories on
these plates make up the bulk of the Book of Zelph, and were written on by
Laban the younger, the Whores, and Dances with Cureloms.
2. The Son of Abitch's Scrolls, which consist of some poems by the Son of Abitch,
written by his own hand, upon papyrus. Many of the original papyrus scrolls
were lost in a casino fire.
3. The Leather Plates of Dances with Cureloms, which were used after running out of
metal plates. Dances with Cureloms switched to leather plates, since that was
the writing surface of choice for his tribe.
4. The Small Stone Tablets of the Trial, which consist of an abridgment of Nephi's
trial in absentia for the murder of Laban. Laban the younger lost the original
sixteen plates which were a full narrative of the trial. Rather than retranslate, for
fear his enemies had set a trap for him, he decided to simply abridge the trial
story on small stone tablets.
5. The Leather Plates of Zelph, which consist of an abridgment by Zelph from
the Plates of Laban, the Small Stone Tablets of the Trial, the Son of Abitch's
poem scrolls, and Dances with Curelom's Leather Pages. These plates also
contained the account of Zelph, and additions by his son Melph.
6. The Plates of Brass, part of Laban the elder's antiquities collection. Stolen by
Nephi, after Nephi beheaded Laban. Nephi was convicted of murder and
robbery for his actions. The whereabouts of Laban's brass plates are unknown.
The Book of Zelph comprises nine main parts or divisions, known as books,
each designated by the name of its principal author, or authors. The bulk of the
Book of Zelph (1 Laban through Dances with Cureloms) is the history of the
Lamanites from the time of Laban the Younger in Jerusalem, until the death of
Zelph in a terrible archery accident, during the final Nephite-Lamanite wars.
The concluding portion, the Book of Melph, was engraved by Zelph’s son
Melph, who added some final thoughts. In or about the year A.D.
400, Melph closed his father's abridgment, and put it on his book shelf. In A.D.
2004, this same Melph, and his father Zelph, now ghosts, visited Josh Anderson
in a grove of trees, and subsequently delivered the Leather Plates of Zelph to
THE BOOK OF ZELPH
Josh Anderson’s own words about the coming forth of the Book of Zelph.
“On the evening of the . . . 2nd of May  . . . I was sitting in bed, after a
long shift at Chuck-E-Cheese's, reading The History of the Church, Volume 2.
While reading, I came upon a passage by Joseph Smith concerning the discovery
of the remains of the great white Lamanite warrior named Zelph:
’The brethren procured a shovel and a hoe, and removing the earth to the depth of
about one foot, discovered the skeleton of a man, almost entire, and between his ribs
the stone point of a Lamanitish arrow, which evidently produced his death. Elder Burr
Riggs retained the arrow. The contemplation of the scenery around us produced
peculiar sensations in our bosoms: and subsequently the visions of the past being
opened to my understanding by the Spirit of the Almighty, I discovered that the
person whose skeleton was before us was a white Lamanite, a large, thick-set man, and
a man of God. His name was Zelph.
’He was a warrior and chieftain under the great prophet Onandagus, who was
known from the Hill Cumorah, or eastern sea to the Rocky mountains. The curse was
taken from Zelph, or, at least, in part - one of his thigh bones was broken by a stone
flung from a sling, while in battle, years before his death. He was killed in battle by the
arrow found among his ribs, during the last great struggle of the Lamanites and
“This riveting story of Zelph excited my senses, and I had difficulty falling
asleep. I opened my encyclopedia, volume 'Z', and looked for 'Zelph'...nothing.
I finally laid down and went to sleep. That night I had the most vivid dream. I
dreamt of Zelph, the mighty white Lamanite warrior doing battle with his
Nephite enemies. As I watched them fight, Zelph chopped some guy's head off,
then he suddenly turned to me and said, ‘Find the plates.’ I awoke in the middle
of the night wondering what that meant. Find the plates? Maybe the dream was
a sign that I needed to find some plates, just like Joseph Smith!
“According to the History of the Church, Zelph's remains were found on the
banks of the Illinois River, near Florence, IL in 1834. This was only about a
two-hour drive away, and my Uncle Hank lived in Florence, so I could stay with
him! I called my friends Martin, Kenny, Cody, and Rick and told them about
Zelph and invited them to come with me to check out his final resting place.
None of them were interested so I called my girlfriend, Becky, and asked her.
She said it sounded exciting and romantic and agreed to accompany me on my
”I was so excited. On the morning of May 4th, Becky and I started the drive
to Zelph’s homeland. Becky drove while I read Zelph passages from the History
of the Church, Volume 2. We arrived at my Uncle Hank’s house a little before
noon. I asked my Uncle about Zelph. He had not heard of him, but he gave me
a map and showed me the area that Joseph Smith and company traveled, and
potential sites for the events described in the History of the Church.
”Hank fed us lunch, and outfitted us with gear for our journey. We borrowed
his canoe and traveled up the river. I felt as if the ghost of Zelph were guiding
us. Becky kept trying to fool around, thinking we were on a romantic get away. I
kept pushing her away because this was business not pleasure. This upset Becky.
About an hour into our journey, I noticed a clearing. I knew it was the place.
We pulled the canoe onto the bank and began searching. We searched all day
but didn’t find Zelph’s grave or anything else. When it got dark, we went back
to Uncle Hank’s house disappointed.
“The next morning, I decided to go search on my own, without Becky. I went
to the same clearing and searched a little further back into the woods. I came
across a grove of trees and sat down to rest when I noticed two personages
standing before me. They were both dressed like Indians, but one of them was a
white guy, and the other was dark. They were both glowing like ghosts. The
non-white guy motioned to the white guy and said, ‘This is my beloved dad,
“I was confused, so I asked them, ‘How can you guys be related? You're not
even the same race.’
“The white guy spoke, saying, ‘Behold, I am Zelph, son of Dances with
Cureloms, a Nephite. And I did inherit my white skin from my father. And my
son, Melph, who does also stand before thee, did inherit his dark skin from his
mother, for I married a Lamanite woman named Tiger Lilly.’
“I was excited beyond belief! I went in search of Zelph's last resting place, and
to search for the plates he mentioned in my dream, and I actually met Zelph
himself, and even his son, Melph. We talked all morning for many hours. They
finally told me that the plates were hidden in a nearby cave. They guided me to
the side of a mountain, and an opening appeared, as if by magic. I gazed inside
the cave, and saw a big wheelbarrow with some plates in it. The wheelbarrow
was very old and rusty, but the plates were in perfect condition. Inside the
wheelbarrow were a couple gold plates, some silver plates with jewels, bronze
plates, steel plates, and a few stone tablets. I stood all amazed.
“Zelph then spoke saying, ‘Takest not those plates, for they are exceedingly
heavy. Besides, many of the gold plates are missing because Melph melted them
down to make gold coins so he could buy things. Here, takest these instead.’
“Zelph handed me some grungy old leather plates, bound together to form a
book, and he continued speaking, ‘These leather plates I hand thee are an
abridgement of the plates ye beheld in that handcart. And I abridged them in a
single, easy to read book, except for one thing that doth maketh it not so easy to
read, for it is written in reformed Asian, therefore, thou wilt need this.’ Zelph
then tossed me a rock.
“I caught the rock, and looked at it. It was a round rock, a couple inches in
diameter, with a hole in the middle. ‘What is this?’ I asked.
“Zelph explained, ‘That is an ancient Asian magic translator rock, preserved
from the time of the Asian whores, and handed down, to whosoever taketh
over as translator of these works. And my father, Dances with Cureloms, did
inherit it from Asian whores, and he gavest it unto me, and I did givest it unto
my son, Melph. And now I do givest this rock unto thee, Josh, so ye shall bring
forth these plates to the modern generation. For if ye write it, they will come.’
“’If I write it they will come?’ I asked. ‘Write what? Who will come?’
“And after I asked that question, the two personages disappeared, and I never
saw them again. I was left with some leather plates, a rock, and a puzzle to
solve. I concealed the leather plates in my bag, and rowed back to Uncle Hank’s
house. It was still early and the house was quiet. I loaded the leather plates into
the trunk of my car, locked the trunk and went inside.
”I wanted to examine the plates, but I knew people would think I was crazy if
I told them the story. Nobody could know the truth, at least not yet, not until I
got my story straight. When I walked in, Hank and Becky were eating breakfast.
‘Where the hell did you go?’ Becky asked. She was obviously angry that her
romantic get away wasn't so romantic. She didn't expect to be eating breakfast
with Uncle Hank.
“’I went back to the place we were at yesterday. I still didn’t find anything. We
should go home now.’ I said.
“’Sure, whatever,’ Becky said, obviously pissed off.
”When we returned home, I secretly built a wooden box to hide the leather
plates in. I then secretly transported the plates to the box. I placed the plates
inside the box, covered it with a tablecloth, and nailed the box shut.
“Later that night, I started reading from the History of the Church and other
church books trying to find any clues to this mystery. I read several passages
that mentioned Joseph Smith using a seer stone to translate his gold plates.
According to some witnesses, Joseph put his seer stone in his hat to translate
his gold plates. I took the rock Zelph gave me out of my pocket and placed it
inside my baseball cap. I then placed my face inside the hat, bringing the edges
of the hat against my face to exclude the light. Suddenly words started to appear
before me. I began reading the words one at a time, ‘And’…. ‘it’…….
‘came’…….. ‘to’……. ‘pass.’ I couldn’t believe it. Zelph's magic rock was
”I spent the entire night translating. I would read a word, then take my face
out of the hat and write the word in a notebook, then I would put my face back
in the hat and get the next word. It was a tedious process. I only finished half a
page. I looked at the thick leather plates and realized that if I wanted to get this
thing translated quickly, I was going to need some help.
“The next morning I called my buddies and Becky. I told them the entire story
and how I pretended not to find anything because I was worried people would
think I was crazy. They were all skeptical of my story but excited about the
ancient, leather Indian plates, so they agreed to help me out. When they got to