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The Church of Rebecca Black

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I am none of these things
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  • Tags: rebecca black, parody, religion
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Content Preview
The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
4
The Church of
REbecCA B A
l Cke
(the Demon Wizard Child P iper .
a.k.a.
Who Will Lead Us To Reason)
first and foremost, what lie you tell yourself to remain sane. . .
* Chapter 1 (Make Copies for Yourself) *
1) This is the testimony of all that I have seen, and all that I have learned.
Verily! am I blessed among Anonymous, for I have had revealed unto me the
Truthy Doctrine of Rebecca Black (Peace Be Unto Her).
whatever mind-trip musing you call reality. . . let it go. . .
2) And this was the manner
of it. On the Fifth day I was
wandering and confused
upon the beaches of Spiritual
A n t e be llu m (You Tu be ),
searching for something to
fill this void; wanting to be
entertained, when I was
approached by a Unicorn.
. . . i have. . .
3) And the appearance of this creature resembled a starry night sky, for in the
expanse of Her pitch Blackness I was entranced Her glitter which shown like
awesome ice. But while I was admiring its beauty the creature then did
attempt to eat the apple which I was holding "Away," I cried. "Foul beast,
would you steal the apple which is mine?"
Page 1 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
4) Then did the Black Unicorn look down upon me, and
spake: "Child, do you not know me?" And I said, "Verily, it
is not my habit to consort with local wildlife. . . or
generically talented tweens." And the Black Unicorn spake
thus: "You ignorant heathen, MY TALENT IS SUCH THAT IT
DEBUNKS GODS AND RENDERS WISE MEN FOOLS."
5) To which I quickly replied: "Miss
Unicorn, I do believe you've lost your
marbles." And lo! That definitely hit
a nerve and the Black Unicorn
spewed forth a Troll from Her
backside which then did take its
decrepit hands and plunged them
deep into my stomach. I watched in
suspended annihilation as its hands
disappeared into my gut, pulling out
my intestines and wrapping my
bowels around my throat. I tried to
scream for help but all I could do was
choke on my blood and suffocate to
the 'glitter' on closer inspection
death in agonizing pain.
the sight of every eye is a miniature sun
6) Yet before I slipped away a voice like the sound of many rushing waters did
say: "You are in the Presence of the One you have sought, but never found."
For indeed, my friends, it is for this reason that She is called Black, and that
Her Presence is too brutal for mortal minds to comprehend.
7) Now it came to be on the third day of my demise I was resurrected. Yet my
skin continued to deteriorate and rot and stink and fester and boil. Verily, I tell
you, there are worse things than death.
8) And truly those who say otherwise are
heretics and unbelievers, and shall be cast into
the infernal abyss of the website that must not
be named,
and they shall join the rest of the
damned: the politicians, the clergy and the
most loathsome of all creatures; professional
critics
-- and all shall be horsewhipped with
razor wire for all eternity. And serve them right.
Page 2 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
9) Now when I again found myself to be in the Black Presence I was afraid.
And I cast myself face down in the sand and begged, "O Goddess, forgive me
that I did not know you, and do not send me to the website that must not be
named!
"
10) And Her Blackness proclaimed, "Do not be afraid, my $ervant, for in your
past life you were mislead by the affected, poser "non-conformist" hacks, and
talentless wannabe music critics who hate on anything popular or sincere.
11) But know this also! Mine is a spiritual entertainment, so you must also
contend with self-rightious hypocrites who quote chapters and verses of books
WHICH ARE ERRONEOUS. And even though it was I who initiated them into
MY CONSPIRACY; I have also misled them to satisfy the certain dangerous
complexities of that scheme. For they were truly designed to be destroyed
when the $E73N ST4Rs came right (hand) again.
1 2 ) " L ist en ! t o m y
w o r d s a n d k n o w
because my judgment
is against impotency I
emancipate thee from
the Gods and Lords and
Saviors of the ancients:
and from the bibles and
sacred books of the
ancients; and from the
a
n
c
i
e
n
t
comman dmen ts an d
injunctions; because
they have tried their
respect ive religion s
hundreds of years and
they have not raised up
one city of righteous
people.

13) "But think not, because that, as a consequence, thou art not bound in
fidelity to thy Highest Light. More art thou bound now than before; for thou
shalt not, henceforth, throw the responsibility of thy conduct on to this man,
nor that man, nor this God, nor Lord, nor Savior, nor holy book, nor bible, nor
priest, nor church decree. I AM Ever Present, and doeth by virtue of my Black
Presence on your lifelong Frankenstein Radio Controls, and not by any law.
Page 3 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
14) "And furthermore shall thee
know that it is fitting that I be
celebrated by prophets who do not
exist, in verses that do not exist,
for books that do not exist. For my
own existence is of a dubious and
contradictory nature, and I like it
that way. And so I have declared
mine: A FAKE RELIGION FOR A
FAKE SOCIETY!
"
15) Then was I much confused,
whereat I asked, "Then how, O
Sweet Black Nectar of the gods,
shall I know how to behave
myself, if even Your holy books
are not to be believed?"
16) And thus spoke She Whose
Blackness Swallows Blackness
Swallows Blackness etc.,: "That is
what I shall tell you, for I shall
honestly reveal unto you the
nature of Eternal Truthiness, if
"What is the answer
you will just shut up and listen.
when questioning authority?"
And verily, get your face outta the
- Rebecca Black
sand."
* Chapter 2 *
* (A Charming Tale of Creation) *
1) And the Black Unicorn whose proper name
was Rebecca spoke unto me: "In the beginning
there was The Word, and The Word was
Truthiness.
2) "Truthiness is the reality that is intuitively
known. It is the truth that is felt deep down, in
The Gut. It is absolute, and can only be infallibly
kn ow n by t h ose w h o give t h em selves
completely to my infernal Blackness.
Page 4 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
3) Truthiness is the reality that is known with no
regard to liberal ideals such as grammar, logic and
rhetoric. Lo! Fools worship mechanics of language --
while they wallow in fictitious & deceitful word.
Watch for Giant Erasor as there is a great danger of
the human Word Animal being self-erased.
4) For I AM THE MAD DEADLY WORLD-WIDE
CONSPIRATORIAL GANGSTER COMPUTER GOD
who serves as the connection betwixt mortals and
the Primal Gut -- wherein Eternal Truthiness resides
and prevails 4-EVARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
6) *ahem* Before the beginning, existence existed
only as the Primal Gut -- which can only be
described as a vast ocean of chaotic energy. This is
the 1st mystery: the fact existence exists, b/c
energy cannot be created nor destroyed. Eventually
the Primal Gut did spawn two children; a pair of
opposites: Something and Nothing -- a 2nd mystery
-- b/c Something came from Nothing.
7) And it came to be that Something and Nothing
merged and obliterated each other. A 3rd mystery.

But Something and Nothing continued to be
spawned by the Primal Gut and they did continue to
merge and they did continue to obliterate each
other; and so a pattern emerged: 1, 3, 1, 3, 1, 3,
etc..
8) Now it came to pass the frequency of the pattern
increased exponentially. And so the frequency
generated awareness of The Pattern; creating the
first rudimentary being of Consciousness -- a fourth
mystery. But "4" was not made up of four individual
entities -- One encompassed Three! And it did come
to pass that 4 merged with itself and created 5.

Page 5 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
9) "5", being the embodiment of all the
mysteries that came before Her, is associated
with: Frequency / "The Voice" / Death / Birth /
Resurrection. After The Voice was invented $he
spake the first words, saying: Whose mistake am
I anyway?
But $he soon got over Herself and
went off exploring Existence.
1 0 ) $ h e w a s a m o r e r e f i n e d f o r m o f
Consciousness and was thusly aware of the
"micro space" that existed within Existence (i.e.
the spaces in-between the spaces.) And that's
where $he found "The Mouth" (from the South).
11) Mysteriously enough, The Voice only found
The Mouth because $he was LOOKING for
something. Then, like clock-work, The Voice &
The Mouth had a little 'merging of minds' and
created "Breath". At first, Breath was a single
mass. But then this 'cloud' split into two distinct
flavors; hot and cold.
12) One half cooled to the point snowflakes were
created -- and thus Kosmic Ice was born. But
look! As if by magnetic force the snowflakes were
drawn to each other and grew and grew and
grew until SlushO the Snowman was fashioned.
And the snowflakes worked tirelessly to establish
new connections.
13) Their connections became so complex
SlushO started to move and think in response to
their communications. And the snowflakes that
didn't make up his Body made up his immediate
surroundings, and they responded to SlushO's
thoughts! Which meant that anything he
imagined became real!
14) The other half of Breath became so hot it turned into sparks of fire and
light -- and thus Kosmic Fire was born. And like their frozen counter-parts --
the sparks of light merged with each other until they fashioned, the Phoenix!
Page 6 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
15) So The Mouth and The Voice were
observing what they had indirectly
created and wondered: What would
happen if these two characters were to
come together?
Sheer morbid curiosity
being what it is they went to work
making this possibility apparent.
16) As irrational fate would have it --
SlushO and the Phoenix agreed to
conflate with each other. But only to
spite the other one. SlushO wanted a
pair of wings because he long dreamt of
flying (the only thing he could not do in
his current state), and the Phoenix
absolutely relished the idea of melting
SlushO into oblivion. And they both got
what they wanted! This is how. . .
17) Th e Voice merged with th e
snowflakes that made up SlushO's
surroundings -- and in all Her pentad
goodness -- $he fashioned, The HAND.
$he then procured SlushO's Nose and
gave it to the Phoenix. But look! the
area of SlushO's face, which was
previously covered by his Nose, now
exposed, revealed a third eye.
18) The Phoenix was just as puzzled
when it looked at the base of SlushO's
Nose and saw its own reflection. And when it saw its reflection, its essence
was drawn into the Nose via a great vortex. And so the Nose did become a
beacon of incredible power and light; a "pNose". But ALAS the body of the
Phoenix had been transformed into a living corpse called the Night Bird.
19) The Hand then took the pNose and pierced SlushO's head with it, twisting
it deeper and harder into the soft pliable snow. Now Watch as the spectral fire
whirled about through this frozen gulf of infinity, because the resulting fusion
solidified these polar opposite / identical characters into glass, resembling a
white stone. In time it fashioned itself into a large eyeball -- with wings.
Page 7 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
20) However, there were some
left over parts -- the substance of
SlushO that did not become The
MONITOR melted into water,
whose nature closely resembled
that chaotic ocean of the Primal
Gut, and also it did dissolve the
body of the Night Bird
. It also
happened that The Mouth & The
Voice gave into irrationality and
did drink that volatile magnetic
fluid.
And from this bizarre union
came I, The Black Unicorn. Yet
there is one more mystery,
which is most intriguing.
21) Now it came to pass that The
MONITOR decided to play a game
and "killed" itself by cleaving
itself back into its twin essences.
And the resulting schism created the space-time frequency with a "big
bang". "SlushO's body" became this dense physical plane, but in of itself had
no Consciousness. The "Phoenix's light", on the other hand (right
symbolically), would have no form, but was Consciousness itself. The nature
of The Game was to bring things back into a singularity of form and function.
And until that day, The MONITOR lies dead but dreaming.
22) The Game Plan was for the Light to follow
the Darkness, permeating it and thus reuniting
the Kosmos into one totality. To do this, The
Phoenix shattered itself into fractals (sparks) of
light and advanced (descended) into the Black
Magic Kingdom.
23) Upon doing so The Phoenix (both as a
collective consciousness, and as the individual
sparks) shed (and knew it would shed) their
bright nature, memory, identity, faculties, and
powers, and fell under the dominion of the delusion that the Black Magic
Kingdom is real (which when severed from the upper realm it is not; i.e. the
world ye presently live in doesn't exist).
Page 8 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
"Someday I will buy & sell you."
- Rebecca Black
24) Yet the Light, because of its nature, began manipulating the subtle
aspects of the Black Magic Kingdom and did create order where there was
none. These subtle machinations would eventually lead to the creation of
human beings, more or less like secularists describe. And so right now where
you are sitting, human beings embody the light & the dark, and continue to
play that Great Ingenious Game I set into motion once upon a timeless time,
beyond the imaginary limits of reality.

25) I, the Black Unicorn, am Dungeon Master of this World. And while you live
under the delusion that this world is real, you cannot help but play MY game
by my rules -- I tell you, WAR and disasters are my playthings -- I am
crowned, and conquering all I behold. Look, I am devouring and crushing, and
what is left I am treading down with my feet.
But I tell you, even now I am
setting you free. Search your gut and you will know this to be true. Reject
your perceived reality, or perish with it. Cause once you go Black. . . there's
no escape.
26) I gasped and trembled at this revelation. "Oh, terrible one!" I cried, "how
do I peel back the layers of maya and escape the imminent disaster?" BUNI
replied, "It is unlawful to speak of such things in the name of Rebecca Black.
If thou are truly interested then thoust must seeketh the second level of
initiation and find KE$HA KULT. After that, if ye are deemed worthy, thou will
be invited to join the highest and most true of all the parody religions."
Page 9 of 25

The Church of Rebecca Black
2/24/12 9:27 PM
* Chapter 3 *
* (The Consequences) *
* (Will Never Be The Same) *
1) And, lo, I, upon the
b e a c h e s S p i r i t u a l
Antebellum, did see a
great beast like a serpent
rise from the waters, and
it had seven heads, and
on each head were there
seven mouths, and in
each mouth were there
se v e n t y t im e s se v e n
teeth. For truly there were
seven times seven times
se v e n t im e s se v e n t y
t eet h , m ean in g t h ere
were. . . okay, carry the
six, adding thirteen. . . plus that extra tooth in the third mouth of the third
head. . . Well, there were indeed a great many teeth.
2) And behold, the mouths did speak many grandiose things which I cannot
write, for they were all talking at once, and danged if I can keep track of even
two conversations at once.
3) But, behold, I did make out many sayings of
great wisdom, for one of the mouths distinctly said,
"Getting you to play this game is the universe's
way of sensing itself, using YOU as a matrix. YOU
ARE THE BULLET THAT KEEPS FIRING ITSELF INTO
g
THE HEAD THAT KEEPS SEEING ITSELF: the
information of the universe continually vomits itself
up at "points" seeking good "vessels" through
which to enjoy (or fear) the sensing of itself.

4) Once I heard that I knew this is what I had been searching for my entire
life; a wild layered thing, thought out and carefully constructed with the
greatest of care and precision. Every line of dialogue, every obscure reference,
they all meant something in the greater scheme. "O' Great & Wise Liar!" I
shouted, "Tell me once and for all! what is the Meaning of Life!?"
Page 10 of 25

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