The Independent Issue 2

September, issue 2
NE Ohio's Independent Alternative
OH NO,
SHE DIDN’T!
What this SOS
Candidate real y said
PAGE 4
PAGE 7

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Editor’s
From the Editor
Notes
Publisher: Stosh Burgess
Editor: James Renner
On Editorial Things Copy Editor: Sam Windler
HOW THE SAUSAGE IS MADE.
covered I had the goods, he had his law-
his client and ask him questions about
Sales: Alice Leslie, Jennifer White
State Senator Kevin Coughlin carried
yer, Ron Kopp, send threatening letters
the affair under oath.
on a not-so-secret extra-marital affair
to Scene. Coughlin also sent letters to
When the incorrect headline and the
Marketing Director: Ray Leonardi
with a young Republican named Andrea
my sources, stating that if the article
misleading story appeared in the Bea-
Wlaszyn at the same time his wife was
was ever published, he would sue me
con, without comment from our side,
Contributors:
pregnant with their little girl. He took
and force me to give up the names of
we asked for a correction. Didn’t get
her to Ohio State games using tickets
the people who ratted him out; he had
one. Why? I wonder.
Tim Russo, Mansfield
purchased by his campaign. Their phys-
reason to be extra-concerned about his
Coughlin always flaunted his relation-
Frazier, Sarah Kotzman, Alicat, Mark
ical trysts occurred inside Wlaszyn’s
image—he had just announced plans to
ship with the Beacon Journal. In his
R. Mackert, Chad Zumock, DeVeren
bedroom at the Village Green apart-
run for governor. Scene decided not to
threatening letters to my sources, he let
Fontenot, Keli Schimelpfenig, Peanuts,
ments and their loud sex was overheard
publish the piece. I complained. I was
them know that he was represented by
Adam Harvey, Katie Kitamura, Todd
by the woman’s roommate, who relayed
fired. I sued Coughlin and Scene. The
Kopp, who has “represented the Akron
the story to me several months ago. The
story was published in its entirety at
Beacon Journal for over a decade”.
Jakubisin, Alice Leslie, Larry Durstin,
roommate requested to remain anony-
BloggerInterrupted.com Coughlin
Here’s another fun connect-the-dots
Carlo Wolff, Ruth Koenigsmark
mous for two reasons; 1. Because she
dropped out of the race and announced
FYI about Kopp. Kopp works for Roet-
works with the movers-and-shakers of
plans to retire from politics.
zel & Andress, the same firm who lob-
Akron and doesn’t want her name tar-
If you read the Beacon Journal last
bies for pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly
Email:
nished by her relationship to Coughlin’s
week, you might have noticed this head-
to the state senate’s Health, Human Ser-
mistress, and 2. Coughlin, she believes,
line: “Judge dismisses state senator as
vices, and Aging committee. The chair-
The Independent
threatened her with violence if she
defendant in reporter’s case.” It ap-
man of that committee is…wait for
1539 w. 117th St.
blabbed on-the-record.
peared next to a picture of Coughlin
it…Kevin Coughlin.
Coughlin’s words to my source: “my
smiling. Problem is, the headline wasn’t
Now, I don’t believe Trexler is in-
Cleveland, OH 44107
friend told me that the only way to shut
true. While my lawyer and I were in
volved in some conspiracy between
you up would be a bullet in the head.”
court with Scene the day that story was
Coughlin, Eli Lilly, Kopp, and the Rep-
216-226-7748
After the affair ended, Coughlin used
being reported, Coughlin contacted ABJ
tilian Agenda. Trexler is this city’s best
his influence to help Wlaszyn land a job
reporter Phil Trexler with his version of
crime reporter in a decade. He’s a good
at the county engineer’s office for
why he was no longer part of the law-
man. I trust him.
which she was under-qualified.
suit. He led Trexler to believe the judge
But did Coughlin use an opportunity to
Is this news?
dismissed him from the case because his
spin his dismissal and pull the wool
LOCALLY
If it is, why is this the first time you’re
inclusion was fraudulent.
over Trexler’s eyes for a moment? I
reading it?
In truth, I dismissed Coughlin from the
think the sleazy dude did. Did Kopp’s
There’s a cliché about the newspaper
suit because he had already given me
relationship with the ABJ help? It didn’t
business: news is like sausage; no one
everything I was after; through his law-
hurt. Is all this incestual intertwining of
OWNED
cares to know how it’s made.
yer, and in court filings, Coughlin ad-
public figures and the media and lobby-
It certainly is a disgusting business at
mitted my story about his affair was not
ists cause for alarm? You tell me.
times. I recently got the opportunity to
defamatory and that he had no intention
And answer me something else: if this
INSIDE
see the worst, first-hand.
of ever suing me. Kopp’s biggest con-
was news, why are you only reading
I reported on Coughlin’s affair for
cern in conversations with my attorney
about it now?
Cleveland Scene. When Coughlin dis-
was whether we were going to depose
News
Scuttlebut......................3
FEEDBACK Fab Facebook...............3
Features
Secretary of state.........4
Demo Derby...............6
Nehst Of Vultures........11
Food
I've only just got as far as the Joel
2012) or The Pornographic Flabber-
dent is to stand behind Action News
Food Fairy: Bodega....8
Rose piece and this paper is making
gasted Emus (about a garage rock
reporters at the federal courthouse
The Dish: Lunch.........8
me weak in the knees. When you go
band in a college town suspiciously
and hold the paper up for the cam-
all uppity, I hope you won't change
similar to Kent--though I'll have to
eras while making a funny face.
Music
the gutter-press tabloid format. I'm
doublecheck with the publisher to of-
Johnny Philko.............9
commanding Erin O'Brien to write for
ficially ok an excerpt from it). Best of
I am reading the current issue of The
Earfull.........................9
you. Court her.
luck with future editions. I look for-
Independent and could not help but to
The Gluttons...............9
ward to reading them!
comment on Chad Zumock's article on
Schnauzer/
Best,
Hilarities. I used to go to Hilarties all
Punching Moses.........9
Michael A. Miller
Cheers!
the time but it grew tiresome because
Editor: She has an open invitation.
Wred Fright
the same three comics would always
Art
Editor: When they make the Porno-
be there. My girlfriends and I would
Michael Heasley.......10
Hello!
graphic Flabbergasted Emus, can I
often win tickets and now we just turn
Live Music Calendar.12
I enjoyed reading The Independent.
play the Emus?
them down
It's nice to see a new newspaper chan-
Sports
neling that old underground press spir-
Just finished reading the first issue.
Jennifer Berkey
Least Worst QB.......14
it. If you're ever hard up for material,
Loved it. I am going to spread the
Editor: What are you thinking?!?
LeBron Grows Up.....15
then you're welcome to run an excerpt
word best I can.
Never turn down a chance to heckle
from either of my novels, Blog Love
Bill Squire
stand-up comedians.
Omega Glee (set in a city called
Editor: The most acceptable way to
Cleaveland--spelling on purpose--in
spread the word about The Indepen-

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The latest skinny on Rust Belt scoops.
By James Renner
wasn’t true. And it backfired, thanks
Highland Square apartment, in 1997.
Speaking of prosecutors, karma finally
A cold war of attrition continues at the
mostly to constant research and cover-
His original execution date was post-
caught up with Cuyahoga County’s own
Cleveland Scene, as Dan Harkins, the
age by bloggers. When Ohio’s Tax
poned earlier this year after local media
Teflon don, Bill Mason, a political
paper’s last staid investigative reporter,
Commissioner defended the snooping
pointed out several strange facts about
junkie who rose to his position by fill-
abruptly left in August to pursue a new
into Brunner’s records, it was Indepen-
the case. Some highlights: the Summit
ing the vacated terms of fellow Dems
career back home in Florida. Harkins
dent writer Tim Russo, author of
County prosecutor has DNA from the
and uses his power to influence judicial
lately was the paper’s most prolific
BloggerInterrupted.com, who quickly
crime scene that has never been tested;
and municipal races, while stacking his
writer, regularly busting solid graphs
discovered the commissioner was a
police never questioned Snipes’ boy-
office with precinct committeemen. The
and giving hell to city council. Scene
longtime Fisher donor. It was Russo,
friend, who was overhead threatening
Ohio Ethics Commission is investigat-
has asked staff
ing Mason to deter
to take a day
mine if he commit
off each month
ted a felony when
and plans to
he sent business to
skip a week of
Qwestcom Graph
publishing in
ics, a printing com
December in
pany owned, in
order to cut
part, by Thomas
costs. The
Day Jr., Mason’s
Plain Dealer
business partner at
has also
the political-con
recently asked
sulting firm Victory
reporters to
Communication.
take furlough
Mason’s fundrais-
days as they
ing committee spent
pinch pennies
$141,000 with
to stay afloat.
Qwestcom last
year. Day, the Clerk
Plain Dealer
of Courts in Beford,
politics reporter
is the odds-on fa-
Mark Naymik
vorite to replace
did more to
too, who witnessed the disgusting em-
her life; the prosecutor’s forensic scien-
Jimmy Dimora as party chairman. Ma-
tarnish the image of journalistic integ-
brace Naymik shared with governor
tist was not actually a scientist; the jail-
son, himself, has managed to avoid any
rity this summer than if he’d simply dug
Ted Strickland the very day the Ohio
house snitch who said Hartmann
direct link to the ongoing county cor-
up Edward R. Murrow and smoked pot
Inspector General’s office announced it
confessed to him was lying. But on
ruption investigation that threatens to
out of his skull. Here’s the deal (which
would not be investigating the snoop-
September 4, the 6th Circuit Court of
send Dimora and others on an extend-
you didn’t read in the PD): Lee Fisher’s
ing. The OIG’s deputy? Ted Wendling,
Appeals lifted the stay of execution in a
ed-stay at the crossbar motel, though his
campaign fed Naymik bogus info on
a 21-year veteran of the Plain Dealer.
unanimously-retarded vote. Apparently,
protégé, Dean DePiero, was recently
Jennifer Brunner’s husband’s
Yuck.
local prosecutor’s can’t see the big pic-
mentioned. At the same time, however,
company’s tax filings from a decade
ture; prove the state murdered one inno-
Mason has not acted in his role as
ago, suggesting that the Secretary of
Ohio is, once again, set to execute a
cent man and we’ll finally get rid of the
county prosecutor to charge any of his
State’s hubby was up to no good. It was
man for a crime he may not have com-
death penalty. Proceed at your own risk.
Dem cohorts with crimes. FYI: the law-
old, unimportant, and not news; but it
mitted. Brett X. Hartmann was con-
yer who filed Victory Communication’s
sounded like a scandal. Too bad it
victed of killing Winda Snipes at her
charter with the state of Ohio? Dean
DePiero.
Fabulous Facebook Updates
Real Facebook status updates from Cle & Ak-Rowdy people.
Michael Symon: sicily was good for a lot of things…my golf game not being one of them. Yes, Michael, we know you’re rich and famous al-
ready.
Allan Fee: Just watched an entire Hillary Duff movie with my daughter…during the OSU game…do I get Dad points or lose ManCard? Hand
over the ManCard.
Bill Guentzler (programmer for the Cleveland International Film Fest): AWESOME Saturday night in Montreal – watching Babe on TV (yes the
talking pig). I guess this explains why my short film about a suicidal frozen foods salesman didn’t get accepted.
Dan Moulthrop: According to these authors, telling kids to stand up for themselves, ignore the bullies, or talking directly to the parents
yourself...doesn't really work. What do you think? How should kids and adults respond to bullying? Aim for the throat or the nuts. Always
worked for me.
David Giffels: has just been self-diagnosed as tedium intolerant. We’re one more cutesy status update away from becoming Giffels intoler-
ant. Just kidding. We love you. Seriously, though. Don’t.
Jeff Blanchard: “Unidentified Internal Error”...I better get that checked out... Easy fix: Stop downloading so much midget porn.
Positively Cleveland: Spreading Cleveland pride one T-shirt at a time. Silly visitor’s bureau! We can’t afford T-shirts!
3

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Secretary of Sleaze
Racism and
Inside the
Democratic Party
By Tim Russo
THE BAR WAS EMPTYING of Demo-
That fall, Garrison was on the ballot
rights to the point she received an “A”
secretary of state on August 19. Conspic-
crats gathered for drinks in Columbus on
against Ohio House speaker Republican
rating from the NRA. None of this pre-
uously absent from the endorsement list
a cold winter night. Inside was Jennifer
Nancy Hollister. Hollister voted in 2003
vented Democratic House Speaker Ar-
are any legislators from Cuyahoga or
Garrison, fresh off her first year in office
against yet another layer of gay hate,
mond Budish from making Garrison his
Franklin Counties, the two largest blocs
as the state representative for Ohio’s
Ohio’s Defense of Marriage Act
majority leader when Democrats took
of votes in any Democratic primary in
93rd District in southeast Ohio.
(DOMA), a bill to ban recognition of
over the Ohio House in 2008.
Ohio.
Blonde, thin, attractive (Marietta’s very
out-of-state gay marriages. Hollister
Also missing from the endorsement list
own Sarah Palin), she got the attention of
voted against DOMA on the grounds that
Garrison was on a short list to replace
is Mansfield Ohio House Democrat Jay
a short Indian American named Subodh
it was duplicative – Ohio already had this
Lee Fisher on Ted Strickland’s re-elec-
Goyal, the first Indian American elected
Chandra running for Ohio Attorney Gen-
law on the books. DOMA passed.
tion ticket, after Fisher joined Brunner in
to the Ohio House.
eral in the coming 2006 primary. It’s a
Democrat Garrison pounced.
the US Senate primary in 2010. But
Budish also refused to commit to en-
less rare sight these
Garrison’s
dorsing either Garrison or Brown, leav-
days, a small brown
anti-gay re
ing the question open. Governor Ted
man with Indian
cord was ap
Strickland, asked if he knew about
Ohio’s Sarah Palin continues her
roots seeking office.
parently a bit
Garrison’s remark to Chandra, claims in
But apparently rare
much for
a Youtube video taken on August 21, “I
enough.
Strickland to
don’t believe she said that”.
march up the ladder of power.
Chandra approached
have next to
But it is believed among Ohio House
Garrison, having recently given a rip-
Garrison’s 2004 campaign printed a
his name on the ballot, and Strickland
circles that the conversation between
roaring, well received speech to a crowd
piece saying, “If you believe marriage is
said so at a fundraiser with LGBT activ-
Subodh Chandra and Jennifer Garrison,
in Garrison’s mostly rural district, while
between one man and one woman,
ists according to a May 14 report in the
and similar instances like it, are the rea-
Garrison watched. That night in the bar,
there’s something you should know
Cincinnati alternative weekly City Beat.
sons why not one Cuyahoga County or
Chandra asked Garrison for her endorse-
about Nancy Hollister…. DOMA was
However, there is that little issue of
Franklin County Ohio House Democrat
ment in his primary against future Ohio
enacted precisely to protect Ohioans
Jennifer Brunner running against Ted’s
has endorsed Garrison’s bid for Secretary
Attorney General Marc Dann.
from having to accept ‘marriages’ or
own lieutenant governor, Lee Fisher, for
of State.
Garrison looked Chandra up and down,
‘unions’ entered into in other states. De-
US Senate, and Brunner’s support for
Michael Daniels, publisher of Outlook,
then said, “No one I know would ever
spite the value of DOMA, Nancy Hollis-
her replacement, Marilyn Brown. If
Ohio’s only monthly gay
vote for someone who looks like you.”
ter voted against it. Jennifer Garrison
Brunner and Brown win their respective
magazine, and a leader in
Then she walked away.
believes marriage is between one man
primaries, that would make two
Ohio’s LGBT community,
Chandra is used to this treatment, but
and one woman and will fight to protect
statewide Democrats who owe
says, “If you’re anti-
not from fellow Democrats, let alone
our values.”
nothing to Ted Strickland, or
gay, anti-choice, anti-
elected Democrats. As Jennifer Garrison
Democrat Garrison beat Republican
Strickland’s golden boy
worker, pro-gun…
takes another step up the ladder of career
Hollister, an incumbent and sitting
chairman of the Ohio
making an off-handed
politics in 2009, this conversation no lon-
speaker, by a whisker, and Ohio newspa-
comment about a per
ger haunts only Subodh Chandra.
pers all over the state lamented
son of color isn’t a big
It haunts the Ohio Democratic Party.
Garrison’s use of gay rights as a wedge
jump.”
issue to steal a victory.
Daniels quickly
Ohio’s current Secretary of State, Jenni-
Garrison was just getting started.
created a Facebook
fer Brunner, is running for the Demo-
Once safely in power, Garrison used her
group to oppose
cratic Party nomination to the US Senate
seat in the Ohio House to act so Republi-
Garrison’s
seat being vacated by George Voinovich
can she made Hollister look like the
candidacy,
in 2010. Brunner wants Franklin County
Democrat. Garrison stayed on the culture
which currently
Commissioner Marilyn Brown to be her
warpath, helping kill anti-bullying pro-
has over 300
replacement. But out of nowhere, in July,
tection for gays in schools in 2006, ac-
members.
2009, came another candidate challeng-
cording to a report in the Gay People’s
Daniels also
ing Brown in the primary – Jennifer Gar-
Chronicle by Eric Resnick. Resnick was
appeared on
rison.
present in the committee when the mo-
WOSU public
Subodh Chandra would never have
tion to include LGBT language in the
television in
needed to ask Garrison for her endorse-
anti-bullying bill was proposed. Demo-
Columbus Au-
ment in 2006 had Garrison’s 93rd Ohio
crat Garrison voted with the Republicans
gust 7, strongly
House District not been lathered up with
to kill the LGBT specific amendment,
Subodh Chandra: Not welcome in her district.
opposing
anti-gay hatred in 2004. A constitutional
despite Republicans controlling enough
Garrison’s can
amendment to ban gay marriage was on
of the committee to kill it on their own.
Democratic Party, Chris Redfern.
didacy, saying,
the ballot designed to gin up Republican
Garrison opposes abortion in all cases
Garrison’s quickly-announced candi-
“It’ll be very interesting to see if the gov-
turnout for President George W. Bush’s
except the life of the mother – rape and
dacy smacked of inside baseball from the
ernor and the state chairman, Chris Red-
re-election. Many believe this amend-
incest victims need not apply. Garrison
start, but really looked stitched up after
fern, can go back to those progressive
ment alone re-elected Bush, tipping
also voted against a raise in the minimum
35 state legislators endorsed her for
constituencies with a straight face and
Ohio’s electoral votes Republican on the
wage, and supported unfettered gun
back of homophobic fear.
4

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tonight in Columbus. Focus on 2010
ask for money, while at the same time
increases daily.”
backing a candidate who votes against
During this same period, the anony-
all of those issues.”
mously posted Youtube of Daniels’ rant
Marilyn Brown’s campaign sent a
disappeared, and Marilyn Brown’s
Youtube of that portion of the August 7
campaign manager Cliff Shechter, who
10% off al ads purchased by September 23
WOSU commentary around to blog-
has worked as a consultant for ODP
gers. For weeks afterward, the Brown
chair Redfern, left Brown’s campaign.
campaign breathlessly emailed bloggers
Two prominent Ohio bloggers noticed
and reporters the Youtube, and various
the reeking hypocrisy of a softball in-
other opposition research about Garri-
terview by a gay man giving political
son, until blogger Howie Klein picked
cover to a gay-baiter; this reporter, and
A SIMPLE CHOICE!
it up and put all of it, including the
a front page anonymous blogger at
Youtube, into a post on the national
Buckeye State Blog. Rothenberg went
blog, Huffington Post, entitled “Help
into damage control the only way he
Stop Ohio’s Sarah Palin”. It seemed
knows how – more spin.
ADVERTISE WITH
that the Brown campaign was all in.
On August
30, the Co-
lumbus
Dispatch’s
Joe Hallett
wrote in his
Sunday col-
umn how ter
rible it was
Locally Owned and Operated
that bloggers
noted
Rothenberg’s
gayness as
relevant to
his Progress
Ohio inter
Whole
Full Color $800
view with
Garrison.
Page
Hallett called
BW $650
Garrison’s
repeatedly
documented
homophobia
Brian Rothenberg, being gay/Garrison
as “perceived
reluctance to support gay rights”. Roth-
Full Color $480
Haunted by his own experiences as a
enberg complained to Hallett about a
Half
gay man who used to be in a closet,
fictional “public discussion” of his sex-
Brian Rothenberg sat in his office on
uality that never actually happened,
Page
August 24 awaiting a visit from Jenni-
lumping it all into “hate speech” and
BW $390
fer Garrison. The backlash against Gar-
“vitriol”. The gay became the gay-bait-
rison in the gay community was
er, all for Jennifer Garrison.
building to fever pitch. Across town,
The pushback looked to be working
Rothenberg’s previous boss, ODP
within ODP, until Brown announced a
chairman Chris Redfern, waited pa-
slew of endorsements from all over the
tiently to see the Youtube of
state on September 3, including Cuya-
Quarter Full Color $280
Rothenberg’s interview with Garrison.
hoga County State House Democrats
Rothenberg left ODP to run Progress
Kenny Yuko, Matt Patten, and Mike
Page
Ohio, a heavily funded online progres-
Foley, who himself narrowly beat a
BW $230
sive non-profit. But if Rothenberg was
gay-baiting hate campaign in his own
nervous to sit across from a legislator
primary in 2006. Also endorsing Brown
who got to power on a tide of bigotry
are eleven Franklin County Democrats,
aimed at gay people just like him, it
including State Representative Ted Ce-
only shows in the uncomfortable photo-
leste, Franklin County commissioner
graph of Rothenberg and Garrison with
John O’Grady, and a big chunk of Co-
their arms around each other.
lumbus city council. Throw in Stone-
Eighth Full Color $170
Rothenberg whistled past the conflict
wall Democrats of Central Ohio, and
of a gay man interviewing a gay-baiter
Brown is cooking with gas.
Page
to spin for Garrison as if he was
Daniels really doesn’t want to endorse
BW $140
Garrison’s campaign manager. Rothen-
a Republican in fall 2010, but if Brown
berg described Garrison’s extreme posi-
loses to Garrison, all bets are off. The
tion on abortion as “moderate”.
likely Republican nominee for Secre-
Rothenberg never asked Garrison
tary of State will be former House
about the anti-bullying legislation in
Speaker John Husted. Husted fought a
2006, nor her position on DOMA in
gay adoption ban, and voted the same
Next Issue Out Oct 8th
2004, nor the literature or rhetoric she
way on DOMA as Hollister in 2003, the
used to win her seat in 2004 on the
vote which Garrison used against Hol-
back of fomenting anti-gay bigotry. The
lister to get into the House. With some
gay man in a position of power sat
regret, but no hesitation, Daniels says
Call our Sales Manager
across from a repeated tormentor of
of his magazine, and the gay commu-
gays, smiled, laughed, joked, and the
nity at large, “In a Garrison vs. Husted
TODAY 440-429-2116 (Alice)
Youtube was posted.
race, we will endorse Husted.”
Chris Redfern must have smiled, too.
And Ohio’s Sarah Palin continues her
EMAIL:
Because two days later, Redfern posted
march up the ladder of power.
to his Twitter feed in a tone of relief:
CLEVELANDINDEPENDENT@GMAIL.COM
“Great dialogue tonight with leaders
and activists in the LGBT community
5

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DEMO DERBY, HELL YEAH!
By: Stosh
Troy, Kevin (back), Stosh
DRIVING IN A DEMOLITION derby
the day of registration, though, I found
Finally I went back to my car, threw
They called out the winning cars, and I
is usually on a list of things to do before
out that they like to put like-size cars in
my long pants over my shorts, and
was thinking, "Well, maybe i won!" but
you die. It is a smorgasbord of Ameri-
the same derby.
jumped into the car. I smoked one last
when I leaned out of the car to check the
can culture rolled up in one momentous
As the "Pit Crew" and I waited for the
cigarette and threw the helmet on. Be-
number spray painted on my door, it hit
event. You think of the derby and imag-
event, we were a little nervous, since all
fore I knew it, the car in front of me was
me harder than any car could. I didn't
ine greasy hillbillies and a lot of beer.
of our work was about this day. We
pulling out on to the track.
win.
No suits or wine sipping yuppies, just
pulled into registration and got the old
I quickly started the car and pulled out
I start to cry a little, and my wife and
real working class people making the
twenty questions about, "have you been
into the starting position. I looked over
daughter ran out on the track to console
best of what they have,
drinking?" and "do we have beer in the
at the driver next to me, and he said
me. They told me how much they love
turning a
car?"
"Hey, you should probably put your seat
me and that I will get 'em next year.
piece of junk
Everyone
belt on."
(The previous two sentences did not ac-
Living a skewed version
into a form of
was really
Then the judge told me to put my seat
tually happen. I'm just getting a little
entertainment.
cool and
belt on, too, so I started frantically try-
carried away writing this.) I drove off
This is precisely of the American dream h
! elpful. A
ing to get it on but couldn't find the re-
the track proudly, since most of the
what I found (minus the beer) when we
couple guys had some problems with
ceiving clip. I was thinking to myself
other cars were totaled and had to get
entered a car in the demolition derby at
their cars, and there were always people
"Oh shit, we cut it out!"
dragged off.
the Cuyahoga County Fair.
jumping in to give a hand. I had one
After what seemed like an
I jumped out of the car to
I was able to find a car and some pals
little scare myself: I was so concerned
eternity I finally find it,
check are damage. It actually
to help get the car together. We had a
about making sure we got the car up to
though, so now that I was
held up really well! I asked my
week and a half to fix up (or down) a '93
specifications that I had skimmed
buckled in, the race could
friend from the Pit Crew if he
Pontiac Grand Am. The car ran, but the
passed the driver requirements. It stated
start.
wanted to drive it in the Second
previous owner could not pass e-check.
that drivers needed to wear pants and a
The horn blew, and we all
Chance Race later that night.
The basic requirements were to strip
long-sleeved shirt. It was in the high
aimed to rear end each other.
"Hell, yeah!" he said.
all plastic and glass from the car: tail
80's that day, so I was not wearing ei-
I floored it in reverse just like
The problem for my friend was
lights, plastic bumpers, all windows,
ther. I had to run down the road to the
the guy that was lined up to
that he was going to be with the
etc. When we started stripping the plas-
store and grab some cheap clothes.
hit me, and then, BAM! That
big old cars. Didn't phase him.
tic off, things started getting scary. It
I got back in time to listen to the rules
first hit was a real shocker.
His race ran very similarly to
seemed like the whole car was plastic.
at driver orientation. The rules are sim-
It got me realizing that this
mine: He kept stalling. He
We did most of our work with a beer in
ple: 1. Do not hit the driver side door
ain't no bumper cars at Cedar
ended up coming in third like I
one hand, a crowbar in the other, and an
("You're not out there kill the driver,
Point!
did and drove the car off
earful of punk rock.
just there car.") 2. "Hit
After that I pulled forward
proudly while others got towed.
After a couple
cars. Don't just be sand
and rear-ended someone else.
The major difference between
cuts and knuckle busters
bagging them. Get out
Troy and our car after his race
After I hit the second car, m
our races was that the car was
we finished the car. We
there and smash!" (There
y car stalled. I thought, "Shit, we just
totally demolished after his heat.
made sure that we
were other rules dealing
started!" but the next thing I knew the
It's amazing to think that someone sur-
followed the requirements
with safety, but those
horn blew to pause the race for a time-
vived in the car. The demolition derby
to a tee, since this was
aren't as fun.) Before I
out. Evidently someone accidentally
was definitely one of the coolest things
our first demolition derby
knew it we were out
rammed into someone's driver side door.
I have ever done. It is not just about
and we didn't want to put
driving out onto the
While in the time-out I was able to get
driving in the derby itself, although
all this effort in only to
track, staging our cars. I
my car started. I was back in it! I started
that's cool, too. It's also getting the car
get shut down at
was in the third
smashing into some cars, and then I got
together, making something out of noth-
registration.
heat, so I was going to
nailed by someone, causing my car to
ing, and living a skewed version of the
To completely finish the
have a couple smokes
stall again.
American dream. I hope to do it again
car, we did a hillbilly
All the stuff we ripped off the car and chill out watching the
I was freaking out trying to get it re-
next year (although my wife thinks I got
paint-roller paint job with some stencil-
other heats.
started while still getting hit. It started
this out of my system. Don't tell her.)
ling. All told, it took twenty man hours
First was compact cars, and there was
up again, and I began using my front
If you've ever wanted to, you should
to finish, although next time we could
twelve of them out there. It was great to
end to ram people a little more. Then I
definitely try it. It's worth the time, and
probably do it in fifteen.
watch, because they were really getting
again got hit and stalled. Right as the
you will not regret it...unless you die, or
The car unfortunately was too heavy
smashed up.
horn blew calling the race, my car came
something.
for the compact car class, and I was get-
Then it occurred to me that I was
back to life.
ting scared thinking I was going to be
about to go out there in a few minutes.
on the track with a big old Cadillac. On

---

BURN!
By Stosh:
John also attends a local event, Recycled
THERE ARE THOSE who do and those
Rainbow, here in Ohio. Recycled Rain-
who do not. John Dudas is a doer. He is a
bow (R.R.) shares the same free-spirited,
Lieutenant in the Cleveland Fire Depart-
no-boundaries attitude as Burning Man.
ment and the
This year John
owner of a
asked R.R.
small business.
If he and his
Despite being
friends could
extremely busy,
build a temple
though, he always
to burn down
finds time to go
in honor of
to The Burning
Bob.
Man Festival
Recycled
in Nevada,
Rainbow wel
where he is
comed the idea,
the Assistant
extending it so
Chief of
t


hat others can
Emergency
participate in
Services.
building and
The event is
Lieutenant Dudas with a fellow firefighter at Burning Man decorating the
the creation of
structure.
Black Rock City, a temporary metropolis
"The structure is for all to enjoy and is a
in the middle of the dessert that is dedi-
way for us to remember those we have
cated to community, art,
lost," says John. He continues to explain
self-
that this is not
expression, "The structure is for all to enjoy just about
and self-
him and his
reliance.
and is a way for us to remember friends, but
The whole town
that many
disappears after
those we have lost," people are coming to
one week, leaving
help build it
no trace whatsoever
and to place
of its existence.
mementos of
John has been
their lost loved
attending this
ones in the
event for eight
temple.
years, and he is
Recycled
bringing one
Rainbow hap-
element of Burning
pens from Sep-
Man to Ohio this
tember 25-28th.
year.
It’s a big camp
A couple of
out with many
years ago a close
different facets.
friend of John's
The event is
(and mine,) Bob
whatever you
Dietrick, passed
bring to it, so
away. John
participation is
was going to
encouraged. It
Burning Man that
is for free spir
year and told me
its who wish to
(above and below) A previos burns at R.R.
that they
express them
create a
selves in an
temple-like
environment of
Structure
art and chaos.
that is
Definitely an
Dedicated
event worth
to the
checking out,
deceased.
so get out of
People
the house,
bring small
grab a tent and
Sentimental
a case of beer,
objects to
and have at it!
put in the
"temple,"
and then the
structure is
burned down with the mementos in it. He
asked if I had something of our friend's
Recycled Rainbow
that I wanted him to take to the festival to
burn. I did: a Mentors record. The record
September 25 - Sunday September 28
burned along with the temple that year.
www.recycledrainbow.org 7

---

FOOD
that’s the men) OD-ing on peeled grapes
and quail eggs; or (2) the waiting room of
an exclusive high-class whorehouse. I hear
the owner was aiming to conjure up a
SoBe vibe (South Beach- Miami to the
uncool).
Aiming? Succeeding!
The bar’s visual impact was touted by a
friend before our first visit (as in, “you
Going Down for Bodega won’t believe this fucking bar. It’s gi-nor-
BODEGA ISN’T SO MUCH on Coventry,
mous!”).
it’s below it. Literally. Semi-subterranean
Size does matter, but in a bar? It’s floor-
can be sexy and mysterious. Going down
to-ceiling big with lots of flash, but it’s’
or under anything is s-o-o-o very nice.
largely style over substance, but we are
From an unpretentious doorway at the
diggin’ the style, big time.
north end of the Courtyard on Coventry,
There’s ample
we descend an open staircase facing a tall
seating at this
kick-ass water wall. Did I
pressively
mention the eye-
stocked arsenal
popping chandelier?
of mood alter
Its glass droplets echo
ation with its
the trickling wall feature
own tome-
in a cool crystal cascade.
sized menu
Voila! It’s an oh-so-sensual
of over
and stunning Euro-sleek
100 wines
milieu. Lofty ceilings,
(no, re
hardwood floors, lots of white
ally!),
and black with splashes of red
martinis
conspire to create the feel you’ve
N
($8-12), 21
found a hot and hip joint.
champagnes
SALMO
We’re greeted and asked if we
(mostly $10) and
prefer a table, the bar or the lounge
cocktails.
(with a what’s behind door #2 sweep of
Ah, the menu . . . divided into
the hand). Our attention is drawn to a
tapas ($6-14), bodega plates ($8-17)
space framed by a gazillion yards of floor-
and entrees ($19-28). The differences get
to-ceiling sheer white drapery enclosing&n