When Parenting Time Conflicts with Extra-Curricular Activities: Keeping Kids Out of the Middle

When Parenting Time Conflicts with Extra-Curricular Activities:
Keeping Kids Out of the Middle
by Daniel R. Victor
Defining “Parenting Time”
When a child’s extra-curricular activities and a parent’s regularly scheduled parenting
time conflict, the issue of what should take precedence is one that appears frequently as more
and more parents divorce, and as the children of those divorces become involved in a greater
number of after-school activities. This article will explore that issue in an attempt to justify the
conclusion that, despite its name, “parenting time” occurs during an individual child’s schedule.
Thus, it must not only be sensitive to that schedule, but should, in most cases, be secondary in
nature to the paramount interest of encouraging children and young adults in their pursuits and
activities that occur after school and often overlap with a parent’s “parenting time.”
Before two parents are divorced, all of a parent’s time is “parenting time” regardless of
whether the parent is at work, at home, or out of the country. Married parents are never officially
off-duty. However, the implementation of a parenting time schedule after a divorce, where one
parent is with the children while the other is not, means that each parent is technically not
responsible for where the child needs to be and may decide whether or not the child goes to a
function or activity, if that parent decides that an individual activity is less important than time
spent elsewhere.
Baseball tryouts, soccer practices, dance lessons, hockey games, piano lessons, academic
tutors, confirmations, bar mitzvahs and track meets. When it comes to extra-curricular and social
activities for children, the endless number of time-consuming academic, competitive, and
community and family gatherings in which children are involved can often take up more of a
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child’s time than the hours per week that the child spends in the classroom and on the
playground. Weekends are oftentimes less of a break for parents and children, and more of an
intense car-pooling shuffle of “off to there” and then “off to somewhere else” from the time the
bell rings on Friday afternoon until the long drive home late on Sunday night from a kick-boxing
tournament in Cleveland. For an “intact” family, these extra-curricular activities are difficult to
plan, difficult to attend, and sometimes, impossible to justify. But every day, parents sacrifice
their own free time and balance the responsibilities of these schedules with each other for the
sake of their children’s extra-curricular educations and the benefits that come from learning
outside of the classroom.
Turning Regular Parenting Time Into Normal “Good Parenting”
Children whose parents are willing to sacrifice their own time off from work to
accommodate their kids’ busy schedules are rewarded, however, with more than the pride that
comes with sitting on the bleachers in the rain, the mess that comes with loading up a weekend’s
worth of hockey equipment in the van, or the financial strain that comes with paying thousands
of dollars per year for the myriad activities in which their children participate. What is it that
prompts parents to sacrifice the time and money in order to provide their children with these
benefits? For some, it is the blessing of being able to provide their children with the extra,
experiential education that they did not receive when growing up. For others, it is a chance to
encourage a specific talent or promise in a unique field of expertise that makes the child feel like
a success and, in turn, gives his or her parents a similar feeling of pride. But aside from a
parent’s attempt at making the next generation of one’s family brighter and more capable than
the last, there is something about watching a child learn how to do something she enjoys that
stokes the memory of being back in the delivery room, looking at that newborn baby and
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dreaming of all that child was capable of becoming – and how there was nothing in the world
that could come before giving that child every opportunity imaginable to be a success at
whatever she chose to do with her life.
But even though a parent’s desire to give the earth, the moon, and the stars to a child can
last forever, marriages don’t always last that long. And when parents get divorced, everyone’s
schedules change, including the children’s. In the blink of an eye, kids go from spending every
Saturday morning on the soccer field playing with friends to spending what is now known as
“parenting time” – time when parents receive their children and the chance to do with them what
they wish before it is time to be separated once again. The time that used be the child’s time –
when parents’ plans were sacrificed for the good of giving their child the chance to play and
learn with friends – is now called the parent’s time, and the sacrificing party is no longer the
parent. That is, and will continue to be, the reality for children whose parents are not counseled
in the practice of how to be a divorced parent.
Granted, there is no manual for how to be a married parent. But for some reason, most
married parents do not feel competition resulting from time away from their child that is
imposed by countless hours of practices, tutors, games, coaches and events. It is only when, as a
result of the divorce, parents have something at stake – something to gain or lose – that the
inability to sacrifice for their children develops. When one parent only sees his child for a total
of 24 or 30 waking hours in an entire week, accommodating a child’s desire to be at a practice,
tournament or party, where that parent’s only contact with his child will be the drive to and from
the activity and then waiting in the parking lot for it to end, can feel like an unreasonable
expectation. And many parents are unwilling to make that sacrifice.
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Preemptive Resolutions to Timing Conflicts
In a recent divorce case handled by my law firm where there were four children between
the ages of seven and 16, I was asked to devise a parenting time schedule for the parties that did
not conflict with the children’s extra-curricular activities. This request turned into an opportunity
to create a schedule that actually revolved around the children. Included in the Judgment was the
following parenting time provision:
That the minor children’s extra-curricular activities including, but not limited to,
sporting practices, games, tournaments, and competitions shall take precedence over
both parents’ parenting time, meaning that if such an activity takes place during either
parents’ parenting time, said parenting time shall be comprised of that activity during
that time and no make-up parenting time shall be awarded.
To date, this provision has been followed by the parties and has not needed to be interpreted by
the Friend of the Court or the judge assigned to the case.
However, there are several ways that, despite an unambiguous provision like the one
above, the parents can still create a world of trouble for themselves and their children. For
example, many parents view extra-curricular activities and social events as benefits and
privileges, rather than as entitlements. This begs the question, “What if one parent takes away an
extra-curricular activity as a form of punishment?” Or, what if one parent cancels the activity
entirely because he or she never liked the fact that the child was enrolled in that activity by the
other parent? Or even worse, what if a parent forces the child to choose between spending time
with her, doing what the parent wants, and participating in the activity in which the child was
previously enrolled? There are no short answers to these serious and very real scenarios.
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When The Friend of Court and Judges Intervene
When these problems require solutions, it is the Friend of the Court that is called upon to
mediate these and similar issues. Suzanne Bolton, Friend of the Court referee for the Honorable
James Alexander, says that when it comes to extra-curricular activities, “Parents need to support
what is important to the child.” Despite the fact that it is called “parenting time,” the time that
we are talking about is really “kid’s time,” she says. Mary K. Neumann, family counselor for the
Honorable Michael Warren, says that during a non-custodial parent’s parenting time, that parent
ultimately has the final say in what the child does during that time. However, she adds that when
the custodial parent disagrees with the non-custodial parent’s decision to keep the child from the
scheduled activity, there are reasonable solutions that can be arranged. If the issue ultimately
comes before the judge, “Most judges will try to accommodate the child’s desire,” says
Neumann.
When deciding what is in the child’s “best interests,” it is usually in the child’s best
interests to maintain the regularly scheduled activity and either provide the non-custodial parent
with parenting time on a different date, or try to convince that parent that it really is in the
child’s best interest for the parent to attend and encourage participation. It is Neumann’s belief
that parents must be encouraged to accommodate their children’s schedules, rather than forcing
children to rearrange their plans or to choose between one and the other.
It seems as if the biggest problems occur when children are given the choice between
parenting time with a non-custodial parent and an activity in which he or she is enrolled. When it
comes to telling a child that he or she has the power to choose an activity over what the non-
custodial parent wants to do during his or her parenting time, the effects created by putting too
much potential for emotional conflict in the hands of the children can lead to the child sacrificing
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what he or she really wants to do (and what is probably healthier for him or her) as opposed to
being rightfully selfish. When children are forced into the position of choosing between
something they do for recreation and time that is now allocated to a divorced parent,
unfortunately many children will sacrifice their own fun for the benefit of the non-custodial
parent, who is often portrayed as the “loser” in the divorce. If the child has grown up feeling
sorry for the non-custodial parent for not “winning” the child in the divorce case, the child will
try to make that parent happy. In one case, two parents had been divorced for 11 years, each of
them splitting the child’s summer vacations equally. After the divorce, the child was consistently
reminded when one parent or the other was dissatisfied with the parenting time arrangement, and
he felt capable of remedying his parents’ emotional insecurities by giving to the parents the thing
that he recognized made them most happy: his time. When the child was given the chance to
attend summer camp for the whole summer, he called his parents to ask whether he could stay.
Both parents allowed the child to choose, but the parent whose time with the child would have
been most limited told the child that she would really like for him to come home rather than stay
at camp for an additional four weeks. The child came home to give the parent her parenting time.
As absurd as it sounds, there is no escaping the reality that “parenting time” naturally
occurs during a “child’s time.” And when those two overlap and conflict, something’s got to
give. Throw into the mix that one parent may generally be in charge of planning the child’s
extra-curricular activities, or one parent may be the car-pooling parent, or one parent may have
never wanted to – and now doesn’t have to – pay for a certain extra-curricular activity, and it is
the children who suffer as a result. It is a complicated mess that begins with the desire to help a
child learn a skill, develop a talent or attend a party, and it ends up with a phone call to a lawyer
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or the Friend of the Court because two parents can’t agree on what is best for the child during a
parent’s parenting time.
Conclusion
It is this author’s opinion that, more often than not, a child’s only release from the
traumatic and unnecessary drama of divorce is the self-expression that is gained and encouraged
during extra-curricular activities. Regardless of the activity – whether it is in the family of the
fine arts, academics, athletics, or a part of the child’s social life – the odds are that when engaged
in that activity, the child will have a chance to be free from thinking about the divisiveness of the
divorce and the breakup of their family. Add to that the confidence born from mastering a unique
skill such as pitching a fastball, winning a writing contest or landing a triple lutz, and there is
little excuse for a parent who decides that his or her time with the child is more important than
sitting on the sidelines cheering, or even sitting in the parking lot reading.
Courts and court personnel should make it their policy to inform attorneys and clients
that they should do everything within their power to keep children from being forced to choose
time with their parents over their extra-curricular activities. Our laws instruct judges and referees
to base their decisions on the “best interests of the child.” Generally speaking, it is in the best
interests of children to be involved in extra-curricular activities. It is in the best interests of
children to learn outside of the classroom. It is in the best interests of children to develop skills
that give them confidence from successes and lessons from mistakes, and it is in the best
interests of children for judges and referees to tell parents that if they cannot agree on a way to
make sure that a child’s experiential and extra-curricular learning is maintained, the courts will
do it for them.
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Attorneys are able to serve in a unique capacity when it comes to protecting children
from being forced into the position of choosing how to spend their parents’ parenting time.
Attorneys usually receive the first phone call about there being a problem in a parenting time
dispute. Therefore, family law attorneys are often called upon not only as legal advocates, but
also as counselors and advisors. This means that we may sometimes have to remind clients that,
despite feeling as if they are losing something by not spending time with their children in a one-
on-one type of circumstance during parenting time at the home, they actually have a special
chance to act like a parent in an “intact” family who was never divorced by playing the same
role that the sacrificing parent plays when driving to and from extra-curricular activities. When a
client calls and says that he or she shouldn’t have to do what the other parent wants during his or
her own parenting time, remind that client that he or she has the choice – and that by choosing to
encourage and participate in the extra-curricular activities that might take the child away from
that parent for a portion of that parent’s parenting time, the client has a very fortunate
opportunity to learn about their child and what makes him or her excited about life.
Believe it or not, some of the best parenting time actually takes place in the car on the
way to or from a child’s activity. That is the time when a parent really has a chance to engage
their child, instead of just watching television or going to a movie. It is a chance to tell stories,
teach lessons and demonstrate love by sacrifice, which will serve to create a bond that is stronger
than anything the child could have created if forced to choose how to spend that time by him or
herself. And ultimately, it will be what the divorced parent does when it comes to parenting time
that will influence the child when it is time for that child to have children of his or her own.
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Daniel Robert Victor is an a partner at the Law Offices of Richard S. Victor, PLLC in
Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, specializing in family law. He is a graduate of the James Madison
College at Michigan State University and the Vermont Law School. Prior to practicing law he
clerked for Michigan Supreme Court Chief Justice, Conrad L. Mallett, Jr. and former Chief
Judge of the Oakland County Circuit Court, Joan E. Young. He was a panel speaker at ICLE’s
annual family law seminar in 2003, and is a participating volunteer speaker for Oakland
County’s SMILE program. He is co-author of the brief on behalf of the appellants in the
grandparent visitation case, DeRose v. DeRose, and donates his time to the non-profit
Grandparents Rights Organization. Mr. Victor also teaches family law at DCL at Michigan State
University.
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Document Outline

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